Do you ever feel like you have so much to say that you might literally explode but when given the chance to speak, you can't find the words? This blog entry is essentially me, 'crying it out'.
Hello, 40-something year olds.
When I was a little girl, like really little, I was really, really quiet and shy. If you know me now you know that sounds like a bunch of bull. I'm pretty sure I was about 5 when I realized I could actually speak. And I haven't shut up since. Actually, the last couple years has kind of slowed me down a little, not gonna lie. I'm a lot less likely to talk someone's ear off now...unless I'm drinking. But that is a whole other episode. And chapter one of that episode would be, 'open mouth, insert foot.' Even though I talk a lot, the older I get the more I feel like it doesn't matter what I say. I can never seem to convey my feelings, verbally, anymore. For that matter...getting them out on paper has been a challenge too. I've been keeping a journal for a few weeks because I figured it might help me 'sort it out', make sense of all the garbage swirling around in my head, ya know? Well I probably wrote about 40 or so pages....and 30 of them are already in a landfill somewhere.
Look, we are only human. Right? Why do I have to keep reminding myself that it's ok to have feelings? Why do I second guess every word that comes out of my mouth these days? Why do I struggle so much with how I should feel about something vs. how I actually feel? We are all out here just trying to live our lives, do our jobs, love our families, and just survive, right? So many things in this world, this life, are out of our control. A wise person (or 10) once told me to focus on the things I CAN change and for every negative thought, find something positive to hold on to. And I do try to do that. I do. I try to teach my kids to do that too. Great words to live by. Most days are pretty mundane, going through the motions, following the routine, 'pretending' that everything will be ok if I just keep things 'normal'. Wake up, wash away the yesterday, get the kid ready for school, stay busy, stay focused, work the work, walk the walk, cook the dinner and try to sleep before you have to do it all over again. The longest, hardest part of that routine is trying to sleep. If I could just get some rest, my mind would be able to deal with it all. If I could just get a couple hours of solid, uninterrupted sleep, I would feel so much better. If I could just turn my brain off long enough to actually forget...maybe, just maybe I could start over in the morning with a fresh, positive outlook and make a difference. Tomorrow could be better. Tomorrow could be the day that good things happen. Tomorrow could change everything.
Life hasn't been too kind the last couple years. I mean, I've been through a lot, a big portion of which is documented right here in this blog. But I've been a survivor since I was just a little girl. Every situation that I thought was going to break me has made me stronger. I made it out, every time. If you would've asked me 30 years ago where I thought I would be at 45 years old I would've told you a story far different than the one I'm living. And it would have made you very sad. That's where I was in my life at 15 years old. I was sad. I was scared. I was lonely. I was confused. I felt misunderstood. I felt the whole world around me was against me and it just wasn't fair. And the only way you would have known that was if you read what I wrote on paper. The poetry, the diary pages that I destroyed so no one would read it, the notes to my friends that never made it to their hands. I had no idea that at 45 years old I would be a mother...a wife...a homeowner...a secretary, alive. Seriously...teenagers are like sorrow sponges. They soak it all up and wear it on their sleeves. Over the years more misfortune and tragedy struck and every time I persevered. I cried, a lot. I worried. I made bad decisions. But I made it. By the time I had my second child I felt like a totally different person. I had more confidence. I had more to be grateful for. I had scars that didn't just tell a story, they were my crutches for a while. I finally realized that my actions got me where I was. It wasn't my words. It's so easy to get lost in those negative emotions. It's so easy to feel like there's no way out. I knew that it was time for me to stop being a prisoner of my emotions and my past. I couldn't change any of it. I could only change my thinking so my future would look brighter. I just wish I knew what happened to THAT girl. Where do I find that strength, now? Everyone handles their emotions differently. And maybe, what a person is going through determines how they handle those emotions as well. I mean, if you have one big thing you are dealing with in your life it may be a little easier to compartmentalize those emotions. But when you have a lot of big things (or even small ones) it builds up a resistance and makes it harder to deal with one thing at a time. You start feeling like you're going crazy. And every little thing that happens when you feel that way is a very, very big thing, to you. You start to feel like life is chipping away at your heart, your sanity. And before you know it, your're lost.
Calgon....you know the drill.
Let me be super honest for a moment. Life...is hard. I don't care who you are, where you come from, where you're going...it's hard. But here is what I think. I think it's ok to not say anything at all. I think it's ok to not share every single thing with everyone in the world. I think it's ok if you DO want to share everything with the whole world, if that is what makes you feel better. I think it's ok to cry, it's ok to be sad, it's ok to get upset, and it's also ok if while you are feeling all those things you smile anyway. We are only human. And being human is hard. So I will stick to my routines. I will cry, a lot. I will love my family and I will also lean on them. I will deal with every big and little thing that comes my way and I will persevere. Dammit, I've been on this earth for 45 years! If I want to bitch and complain and cry about what is weighing heavy on my mind and heart then that's what I'll do. Even if I have to do it in the mirror, with no one around and a glass of wine in my hand. Even if I have to get out of bed at 2:30 a.m. when the world is oblivious and cry it out while I poop in peace for the first time all day. Even if I have to ask a loved one to forgive me for just a few moments because I have to get it out of my system. So if you see me...if you talk to me...if you happen to wonder how I'm doing...I'm ok. I'm just living life the only way I know how. Life is hard. And sometimes I don't know if I'm strong enough. In fact, some times I know I'm not. Sometimes, I don't know how I got here or where I'm going, and that's scary and a little sad. But it's the truth. I don't always know how to tell you what I'm feeling or if I'm ok. I don't always know how to explain this chaos in my mind and my heart. Right now, today, I feel like an ant on a mountain, moving uphill with the weight of 110 men on my back and a gun in my face, being told to grin and bare it. There is SO much worry, so much heartache, so much regret in my heart and I just don't know how to deal. So I will stay busy, stay focused, walk the walk, work the work....and handle all of my responsibilities with a smile on my face until about ...2:30 a.m.
Please, don't judge others. Everyone is going through something. We are all human, doing the best we can. I try my best to be kind to everyone I meet because I don't know if their mind is as fragile as mine. I don't know if they are standing on the edge or blessed with the best. All I know is that they are human, just like me. If you are going through something that has you at your wits end, feeling hopeless, feeling defeated...you are not alone. Maybe you think you want to be alone...but be honest with yourself. You just want to be loved, understood, listened to, and appreciated. Take a moment to look back at your life. I'm sure there was a moment when you felt this way before...life was hard...you didn't know how you were going to get through it or if anyone even cared if you did...and you made it. You got through it. I can relate. I've been there. And I'm always here if you need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. Don't let this cruel world make you feel defeated. Don't give in to those negative emotions. We are pretty amazing creatures, us humans. And if we work together....help each other...love one another...all the things, big or little will be so much easier for us to deal with. I may feel on the edge more than blessed with the best at times...but even in those times, I will never turn away if you need me. I'm blessed to have so many people in my life, so full of love and goodness. Friends who reach out to me, daily to ask how I'm doing and tell me to have a good day. Family who stands behind me no matter what I'm going through. People, being good people, not judging me for my shortcomings and emotional instability but instead loving me anyway and building me up every chance they get. Thank you...you know who you are.
Now, excuse me while I hold it together for 30 more minutes so I can cry over my $2 Tony Packos hotdog.
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