You.

It's been a while since I last wrote on this blog. I woke up nothing short of a ball of emotions and thought this might be the best place to get my thoughts in order, or make any kind of sense out of it.

Everything happens for a reason.

When I was in my early twenties I was more carefree, less sensitive, more judgmental and less forgiving. I was a jerk. I didn't realize it because the people that mattered in my life still loved me and would never tell me these things. I was uneducated. I was blind. I was a baby. I was a fool. But who wasn't at that age, right? I was just fitting into a social norm. I was a statistic. I was a product of my upbringing, my environment and my generation.  Before I had children, bills, a real relationship or any other serious life experience, I was literally a different person than I am today. When I hear "what would you do differently", there are a dozen or so things that come to mind.  But my answer is always the same, "Nothing. I kind of like who I am today."

20 years ago I lived my life each day for the next. I was not big on looking into the future because I was afraid of disappointment. I figured I had a long life to live and would figure out as I went along. I was able to focus on the here and now and I slept well at night. That's the up side. I sometimes wish I was still that person. I've always been one to worry about the littlest things but I dealt with it much better when I was younger. I worry. I worry ALL the time. Maybe it's the life I've lived in the last 20 years. Or maybe it's all in the choices I've made. I'm going to go with the latter. After all, life is what we make of it, right? Ultimately, everything that happens in our lives is a direct result of the choices we make. So the 'reason' is that we chose to do it. We chose to say it. We chose to accept it. We chose to change it. We chose. If we chose to be happy, we will be happy because we won't accept anything different. If we chose to allow things to take over our happiness, no one can change it for us. We have to chose to change it ourselves. At some point in the last 20 years I accepted the responsibility of my life. I finally understood that no one and nothing could make me happy. I had to chose to be happy and make decisions that supported that.

Today, I am happy. I'm not talking about today, Monday, February 24th. I'm talking about today, this very point in my life. Today as a wife, mother, daughter-in-law, sister, aunt, cousin, and friend, I am happy. And it didn't even take a million dollars to get me here, like I thought it would 20 years ago. Today I have many responsibilities. These responsibilities are part of what has molded me. Without them, I would be lost. First, I am me and I am alive. Jesus put me here for a reason. I wake up every day and I take care of me. I eat and sleep and bathe and care for me. Second, I am a mother. I take care of me so that I can take care of them. They are, after all, a part of me. Third, I am a wife. I take care of me and I take care of them and I take care of him so that he can take care of us.

One of the biggest lessons in my life was learning not to be selfish. If you are a mother you know this lesson is learned instantly, the moment your first child is born. It may be a harder lesson for some to learn than others. But generally, it just happens. From the moment I became a mother for the first time, I stopped putting myself first. I don't mean I stopped caring about myself. I mean, aside from taking care of me, my children became my number one responsibility. I had no choice. They needed me. I brought them into this world and was blessed with the responsibility to see them grow into amazing human beings. I was blessed with the opportunity to be their mother. Every day of my life since becoming a mother has not only had more meaning but it has kept me on a positive path. It has strengthened my reason for being. As a mother, I'm not always sure I'm doing it right. In fact, I'm pretty sure most of the time, I'm not. But then something happens and my heart is so full it could burst when I see that maybe I was right after all.  Like when my first born son makes his own decision to join the military because his future matters to him. Or when my second little miracle suddenly doesn't care any more about what people think and he holds his moms hand while they walk through the movie theater...with one of his friends in tow, not at all concerned about being embarrassed.  Or when my youngest blessing has kept me up all night because his brand new teeth hurt, only to wake up in the morning with the biggest, most beautiful smile on his face.  These boys have given me so many reasons to feel blessed in the last 20 years.

The other blessing in my life is my amazing husband. Although I'd like to give all the credit for meeting this man to his mother and my aunt, who played match maker in introducing us, I have to think a higher power was also involved. There is definitely a reason that he and I found each other. 17 1/2 years ago if you asked me where I thought I would be today, my answer would likely have been, "I don't know". I hoped for certain things but never had the confidence to believe in them. I honestly didn't know. And to be completely honest, I was a little scared of where I might be at this point in my life. There were a lot of 'loose ends' in my life and I was lacking the courage, strength, knowledge and confidence to believe that anything would change between then and now. I don't know when the turning point was for me. What I do know is that I would never have gotten to that point if it hadn't been for this man. He helped me become who I am today and for that I will be eternally grateful. Most of the things I learned from him, he didn't even know he was 'teaching' me. I am so grateful for every single day that has passed since we were introduced.  Every up, every down, every disappointment and every celebration. I know now that growing together, with him, is what makes me strong. It's what makes me a good mother, wife, daughter-in-law, sister, aunt, cousin and friend. This man loves me. This man tells me every single day just how much he loves me. He tells me how awesome of a mother I am. He tells me how talented, beautiful and amazing I am. He tells me how blessed he is to have me. He kisses me and hugs me and thanks me every single day. My husband, my best friend, my partner, my life. He has given me so much and asked for nothing in return except that I love him back. And I do. With every fiber of my being.

So many lessons have been learned over the years and so many choices had to be made. I must have made the right ones because I am happy with my life today. I'm not opposed to eventually having those millions....but I'm perfectly happy right where I am. If you are reading this and you don't feel this way about your life, it's time to make some different choices. You need to learn to love and care for YOU. That is where it starts. It doesn't matter where you are, where you came from or where you are headed. It only matters where you want to be. Take the time to appreciate what you have right in front of you.  Don't stress over all the little things.  In the grand scheme of things, eventually, they won't matter anyway. Move forward, not back. If something in your life is holding you back or making you feel anything less than blessed, let it go. Move on. Accept the fact that it isn't good for you and it isn't going to get you where you want to be. Never give up. Have faith. Build your strength and confidence by letting go of what holds you back and fighting for what matters the most. You. You deserve that much. Strive for happiness.  Enjoy today.  Eventually, tomorrow will be yesterday and you can't change that.