Can I just cry a little?

Where do I start?

I’m feeling a little broken. I’m feeling a little disposable. I’m feeling a little full.  Full of shit, full of love, full of questions, full of remorse, full of doubt but full of hope. I don’t really know how to put my feelings into words right now. I just know I don’t like the way I feel and I don’t know what to do about it. So I’m hoping I can help myself get a grip on these emotions by writing it down.

I try to be a good mom. I try to remember that what I do and say is what my kids see and hear. I want them to know that I love them and I want them to respect me. I want to see them smile and laugh. I want to see them succeed and prosper. I want them to be okay without me. But I don’t want to let them go. I hope they know that.

I try to be a good wife. I know I’m not perfect but I love hard and I don’t give up easily. I try to be his biggest fan, his favorite thing, his sounding board and his rock. I want him to know that I love him and I want him to respect me. I also want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok, all the time. I respect him, all the time.  I’m not always good at conveying my thoughts and feelings but they ALWAYS come from a loving place. I want what is best for him, for the kids, for us. I don’t want much, but I want him. And I want him to want me. I hope he still does.

I try to be a good sister, cousin, friend and neighbor.  My family comes first so sometimes…a lot of times…I feel like a bad sister, cousin, friend and neighbor. I just feel like there’s not enough time in the day…in the week…in my life. I don’t mean to let so much time go by…but it happens.  I hope they understand.

I try to be a good employee.  I know I’ve done okay because I’ve been here 17+ years. If I was lacking that badly, they would’ve fired me already. I hope they would tell me if I was not working up to their expectations. Some days I feel like a rock star and others I wonder why they keep me employed. Am I really a necessity or have I built myself up over the years only for them to really see me as a glorified receptionist? I’m disappointed in myself for the way I’ve handled some things lately. My excuse is that I’ve had a lot on my plate. Since when have I not had a lot on my plate? Why suddenly can I not handle a lot on my plate? Where is my backbone? Where is my gumption? Where is my pride? I get so frustrated so easily lately and I’m really not sure why. Something needs to change, that’s for sure. I love my job. I just feel like I’m not very good at it any more. I hope I’m wrong.

Today, I feel broken. I feel like I’m failing in all the important areas of my life. Maybe not failing, but lacking, incredibly. Why do I feel this way? What has happened…or NOT happened to make me feel like this? I can’t hold back my tears. I take everything personal. I have absolutely no patience. I’m so overwhelmed with emotion about every single thing in my life right now.  I can’t call it a bad day because it’s not just today. It’s no secret I worry about everything under the sun, every waking moment.  I don’t hide my emotions well so it’s not hard to tell when something is bothering me. Unfortunately, it usually looks like I’m mad or unhappy.  When someone asks me what’s wrong, all I can say is ‘nothing’ or ‘I don’t know’, which is then always followed up by ‘I’ll be fine’. The truth is I’m not fine. But I don’t know how to put my emotions into words. I don’t expect anyone to try to ‘fix’ me. And I already know I’m probably blowing things out of proportion in my own head. So saying anything other than ‘I’ll be fine’ is unnecessary. No one is going to do or say anything that I haven’t already thought in my head so I feel like my ‘attitude’ will never change. I feel like such a child saying that. I guess there’s some stubbornness there but mostly, guilt and lack of confidence. Not that being hard headed is something new for me but I’ve never known how to reach out and ask for any kind of help without feeling like a failure. It doesn’t matter if I need a new roll of toilet paper or bailed out of jail. I don’t know how to ask. And in most cases, I don’t know what to ask. I just know I’ve reached a point where I need to figure that out.

What can I do? I try to talk about it but if I feel like I’m not getting that persons’ undivided attention, what’s the point? They’re listening but they’re not hearing me. How can they help if the are not hearing me? Can they help anyway? Or is the mere fact that they are listening enough? Sometimes I just feel like I need to talk. Like I need to get all the thoughts out of my head so I can actually think straight. I don’t need answers, suggestions or advice. I just need someone to genuinely care about what I’m saying, and listen. I don’t even feel like a person sometimes. I feel like a robot, going through life on repeat. Like a wind up toy that is just ramming it’s head into a wall because it doesn’t know any other way. Maybe what I need is for someone to pick me up, turn me around and show me the way.  Maybe I need to pick myself up and do that. If I keep hitting this wall, something is definitely going to break.

There are so many things on my mind these days that I just can’t seem to shake, so much to worry about. I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds because I’m being pulled, emotionally, in so many directions. I just want to relax, breathe.

Stress is like a disease. I don’t want to see people hurt, especially people close to my heart. What do I do when someone around me is broken in some way? I love them the only way I know how. I listen. I hold them. I try to comfort them. I give advice knowing full well they may not take it but hopefully they recognize that someone cares enough to give it. I try to help them understand that they are not alone and that this feeling is only temporary. I hurt with them. I try to understand their feelings as if they were my own. Today, I need someone to do that for me.

What’s wrong with me? I can’t give you a one word answer or a simple explanation. I’m not unhappy, I’m just…worried. I’m just stressed. I’m just full. Maybe I’m having a mid life crisis. Maybe I’m menopausal. Maybe I’m feeling sorry for myself.  All I know is that sometimes I just need to cry about it. But not right now because I’m working and I have to maintain a professional attitude. And not on the way home because I have to make it home safely. And not when I get home because I don’t want my boys to see me like this and worry about me. And I don’t want my overworked, underpaid, completely overwhelmed husband to feel like he needs to fix me or that he can’t count on me because of my emotions. And not when I lay down to go to bed because I won’t sleep well and I’ll wake up looking haggard. And not when I wake up because I have too much to do in order to make it to work on time. I don’t have time for these feelings right now. I’m too busy trying to survive. I’m too busy trying to raise my babies, pay my bills, keep the peace and make everyone around me happy and satisfied. I know I'm surrounded by people that care and I don't mean to sound so selfish. I get a lot of love, respect and support from the people I'm closest to. Some days, I just need to cry. 

But one day…

I’ll cry so hard my eyeballs will literally fall out of my head. Maybe then I’ll feel better and I can change this vicious cycle. Or maybe I’ll just put my big girl panties on and deal with all this crud life has to offer me lately. And then I’ll cry.