My 21 year work anniversary is approaching. That's pretty impressive, right? Hard to believe it's been that long. I guess in some ways, it's not so hard to believe. I mean, that time has gone so fast. I've lived a lot of life in that time with many ups and downs. When I look back at some of my blog entries, I see it's mostly downs. But, that's kind of why I started this blog all those years ago. As an outlet, a way to get it out without burdening other people or pushing people away. There are two outlets I've always taken advantage of when it comes to my crazy emotions. Arts and crafts...and writing. I can remember being in Jr. High and even elementary school and writing all the time. I wrote in journals. I wrote to my friends. I loved writing, no matter what it was. It was kind of calming, I guess. So here I am, writing again. My heart and my head are full of angst. I have so much emotion running through me that all I want to do is vomit and get it all out of my system. Like most women, I am very indecisive. I want my loved ones to be happy. That makes me happy. That's what I do. Right now I feel like I'm not doing a very good job of making anyone happy, mostly, me. And as selfish as that sounds, it's really anything but.
My job has been rewarding in so many ways. The people I work for have always been kind, understanding, forgiving, reasonable and appreciative toward me. In 1999 I walked into that office to file for divorce from my first husband. It was an amicable split but still a tough thing to go through. At that point in my life, I literally had nothing. I was living with my aunt, my mother's sister, Karen. She took me in and allowed me to stay with her to give me an opportunity to get on my feet. When I was with my ex husband I wasn't working and had no car, no savings, no support of any kind. I was grateful that she was so loving and understanding and willing to let me live in her house for a while. But the place I was in, emotionally, made it very difficult not to feel like a serious burden all the time. She had a family who relied on her already. I felt like I was disrupting her life in so many ways. I went through a period of depression while staying there that got so bad at one point I wanted nothing more than to end my life. I felt like a complete and utter failure and a detriment to everyone around me. I spent a couple days in a bedroom, bawling my eyes out, begging for relief from the pain in my heart and I just wanted to die. I just wanted to disappear so I didn't have to feel that way anymore and no one had to worry about me or feel sorry for me anymore. I was 21 years old. I was a baby. And I was raising a baby, or at least trying to. That was by far, the lowest point in my life. I got through that few days and pulled my head out of my butt long enough to know what I had to do. I went out in a snow storm and filled out a bunch of applications and took the first job that was offered to me. A cashier at Toys R Us. Not glamorous but I didn't have much to offer at that point in my life. I worked there for a couple months but I was only getting about 15 hours a week. It was no secret I wasn't very happy there. I was one of very few new people and the veterans had little patience for newbies. My uncle watched Caleb when I worked and he drove me back and forth, when friends weren't around to do it. I made so many calls trying to find help with a sitter, transportation, you name it. I felt so lost and embarrassed. I was 21 and life seemed to already be kicking my ass. I spent 7 years of my life in an unhealthy relationship, praying every day that things would turn around but they never did. I was getting some government help at this time and reached out to them for help getting a divorce. They put me on a list. They said they would call me when it was 'my turn'. A couple months later I called them to check on the status. Somehow, magically, I was no longer on the list! They said they tried unsuccessfully to contact me and consequently removed me from the list when they couldn't reach me. They offered to put me back on the list but that would mean yet another 6 months. I was upset about that...but not as upset about the fact that I had to be the one to file. He was in the military. If he would've filed it would've been faster and less stressful. But at that time...he insisted it was my decision, not his. But let's not open that can right now. A friend gave me a referral for a divorce attorney. There was no way I could afford an attorney! But this one was willing to work with me, he said. I went to his office for an appointment. We talked briefly and he started asking a million questions about what happened, what I was doing currently, what my plan was for the future was. He had me fill out a bunch of paperwork asking about my expenses and income. It was really disheartening to have to write down that I was working 15 hours a week at minimum wage but that I was hopeful things would get better. About an hour into that appointment, that same attorney asked me if I wanted a job. I told him that I had a job and that I had just finished telling him all about it. He said, "I mean a real job". Can I just tell you how much that one statement kind of changed my life? A 'real' job. What the hell was a 'real' job? I mean, I earned a paycheck, right? I showed up and 'worked' and earned a couple bucks. What wasn't real about that?? The secretary at his office was days away from giving birth and had no intention of returning so they needed someone fast. He told me he would talk to the other lawyers in the office and call me. I had zero office experience. I didn't know what I was agreeing to. And I had no idea he would call me so quickly. I had only been home for an hour or two and was getting ready to take a bath when I got the call. He asked if I could come back down to the office to meet briefly with the other lawyers so they could ask me a few questions as well. Talk about nervous! Sitting in that office I was so scared of embarrassing myself!! I thought for sure that with no experience and the sheer chaos I was experiencing in my life, they would maybe hire me and keep me employed until they found a suitable, experienced replacement. They started me off above what I was making at Toys R Us, which was a pleasant shock, and I was working twice as much. But I knew that I had to take this very seriously. The only experience I had for a secretarial job was my gift of gab. Of course I could answer the phone and get paid for it!! This was a 'job' I was actually prepared for!! I had been playing secretary since I was just a little girl, maybe 5 years old! I was bossy and very in charge at that age. I could do this!! A couple months into the job, that attorney asked me how I was feeling about my job and if I thought I was going to want to stick around a while. I honestly thought he might be trying to joke with me. I wasn't making a killing, don't get me wrong. But this was a Monday through Friday, 9-5, regular paycheck job. I don't know what he thought I was going to say at that time but he honestly seemed surprised at how happy I was. He talked to the other lawyers and they agreed to make it official. I was full time and I got my first raise. Just a few months after feeling like my life was in shambles and wanting to end it all...here I was. Who would've thought?
The first few years was eventful. I still had a lot going on in my personal life. My father allowed me to stay with him for a while. Ok, let me rewind a little because it's not quite that simple. When I was staying with my aunt, my ex husband and my father called me incessantly. My uncle would get frustrated at me for always being on the phone. My ex begged me to change my mind and come back, though I'll never really understand why. It wasn't a healthy relationship. But again...that's a whole different episode. My father called, crying and begging me to come stay with him so he could 'help' me. He cried about how he messed up so much in life and he just wanted to do something positive and be there for his daughter. He wanted to offer me the opportunity to have a place to stay while I saved money and got to a better place in my life. My father was in a pretty bad place, himself at that time. He was waiting for his early retirement to go through. He wasn't working. I had no idea how he was maintaining his home at that time, financially. But he was resourceful, to say the least. I caved and left my aunts to stay with him because at that time, I felt like less of a burden to him than I did to her. Childhood wasn't exactly fun so the decision to go BACK to that home was not an easy one. But at 21 I had already filed for bankruptcy and was heading for my first divorce so what could possibly be worse than that? I got the office job shortly after moving in with my dad. So the first 6 months or so on the job I was living there and dealing with my dad, daily. He was an alcoholic, a drug addict and fought some other demons that I wasn't even fully aware of until a few years later. When I decided to move in, I knew he had a problem with alcohol and even drugs...but he didn't do drugs in the house or around us. He went 'out'. He would be gone a couple days. He'd come back when I was sleeping and I wouldn't see or hear from him for a couple days while he slept it off. Then he would go days or even weeks completely sober and acting like a normal dad. He was a terrible house keeper and I found out later, a good liar. There were 2 times in particular that stick out from that brief period in my life when he pretty much lost his shit. That summer was already the hardest I'd ever experienced because my son went to stay with his dad. It was the first time he'd been away from me for more than a day since he was born and he was 1800 miles away in Kansas. I was pretty much an alcoholic during that summer so maybe that's why I didn't notice my dads flaws quite as much at that time. It was not a good situation. And I knew that when my son came home, I had to have something better to offer him. I looked for places to live but the bankruptcy was a huge road block. And while I may have made enough for rent, I had no idea how I'd afford utilities, food, gas or any other necessity. I felt the depression setting back in and the only light at the end of that tunnel was that I at least had a good, steady job. I HAD to make sure to keep that job.
Working for a group of criminal defense attorneys wasn't exactly easy. The clients are tough characters a lot of the time. They are scared and angry. When I first started I thought, 'man, these attorneys never call their clients back!' The clients constantly complained about how often they would call and never received a call back. They would yell at me, like it was my fault. I would guess about a year into the job I started realizing that it wasn't that the attorneys weren't calling their clients back. It was that most of the time, the client hadn't paid for their service or didn't understand that they were not the only person calling for help. My gift of gab paid off in this area too. I had a way of talking to the clients, helping them understand, calming them down, even if it was temporary. A lot of the clients have been clients since I started working there so their attorney is now their child's attorney, or their neighbors or their friends' attorney. I have memorized so many phone numbers. I know people's voices when they call. Another hazard of the job is voice mail. People leave unintelligible messages and wonder why they aren't getting a call back. If you are calling a place of business, it's a very good idea to speak clearly and leave a name and a phone number if you want a call back. I don't want to get too carried away so I'll stop there. In the first few years of working there one of the attorneys passed away, a couple new attorneys moved in and one of them was the defense attorney in a case that I was a witness to, before I ever started working there. So I was pretty uncomfortable when he first moved into our office. But clearly I'm not much of a judge a book by it's cover kind of person so that feeling didn't last long. He started working there about 13 months after I started working there and he's still there. One of the original group of attorneys is retired now but she still comes in and does some bookkeeping for the office, among other things. Once she is completely retired and out of the office, I will have been there longer than anyone else in the office. 21 years. That's so crazy. I feel like she's a staple...and once she is gone, the less it will feel like a relaxed, comfortable small office and the more it will feel like corporate chaos.
In 21 years I've had babies, miscarriages, divorce, wedding, deaths of many, lifestyle changes, home break ins, cars stolen and broken into, gains and losses and so many things happen in my life. We all have. 21 years is a long time! But through it all, I showed up and did the best that I could. Sure, at times I was a hot mess. And I thank God regularly for so many things in my life. But one of the things I thank him for the most is for keeping me employed. They could've let me go when I was dealing with my dad and his craziness. They could've let me go when he died and I had to take the week off to deal with the turmoil he left behind, not to mention his funeral and my own feelings about losing my father. They could've fired me when I was pregnant with my second son and was in and out of a doctor's office, weekly. They could've let me go when my oldest son got into trouble and ended up getting sentenced to 11 years in prison. But they didn't. They could've laid me off during this pandemic, forcing me to file for unemployment, which would've been denied, I'm sure. But they didn't.
They kept me employed AND allowed me to stay home with my family. Sure I work a little from home but it's hardly what I would call work. I've been mostly retrieving voice mail messages and emailing messages to them. I made some calls to clients. I have to access client software and did schedule a few things on calendars. I had to call a few courts. And on Fridays I go in for a few hours in the morning to catch up on mail and a few things that can only be done from the office. During that time, they stay home so that I will be comfortable being at the office and not feeling 'exposed' to the virus. I was given a mask. I was given a container of sanitizing wipes. I have been afforded the comfort of not only feeling safe but also feeling appreciated enough that they were willing to pay me my regular wages for the very minimal amount of work I have done for them over the last 4 weeks. That kind of respect and appreciation is what has kept me at this job for 21 years. Their level of understanding has surpassed my expectations, over and over again. That being said, there's another side to this story. Mostly, I don't feel like it's worth sharing because I do feel so blessed. But the truth is, it's all I can think about lately. In 21 years there have been less than a handful of times that I considered other employment for one reason or another. In the beginning, it was money. I felt I deserved more than what I was making. I felt I did more than what was expected and with my income being split between 5-6 of them, I didn't feel like I was out of line
to ask for a raise. There were hard times for the office when attorneys left, leaving a financial burdens for the office to fill, so as not to overwhelm everyone else in the office who had to pick up the slack. I knew better than to ask for more money when they were facing those issues. But I always said that while I wished I could make more money, I wasn't willing to give up the other comforts of the job, like my vacation days, my cell phone (that they pay for), my Christmas bonus and the general sense of family that has been built up over the years. Sometimes, money isn't the only thing that matters. As time went on, changes happened around the office and I adapted, not that I had much of a choice if I wanted to keep the job. We had attorneys come and go, we replaced our entire phone system, three times. Our building itself went through some changes from a new Facade, a new roof, newly renovated office spaces all the way around us. We had to move our storage three times, which was a pretty huge undertaking. This is a small office, with several attorneys...and one secretary. None of them have personal secretaries. Just me. And that sounds pretty glamorous but they do a lot of their own work. So I'm not tooting my own horn, just giving perspective. I do their overflow when they need a hand. My responsibilities have definitely grown over the years, specifically the last 9 years, as they have trusted me to do much more for them than just answer the phones. That's how I started out, answering phones. But I'm no longer the 'glorified receptionist' I was once referred to as. I'm the office manager. I do still answer phones. And I still email them messages. But I also do a lot of other things that I think they sometimes forget I do. Until it comes time to do them and I'm not around. This is not a big corporate office. They are all independent and rent space together, sharing many things, like office equipment, facilities...and a secretary. I didn't go to college. I don't have a degree. And I've never owned my own business. Everyone in that office runs their business differently. Some use client software, some don't. The ones that do, use different software. Some is web based, some is computer based. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that sometimes it's difficult to work for all of them when they all do things differently. As far as the State of Ohio is concerned, it is a business with one employee. And my understanding is that if you have less than 25 employees, you can basically make up your own rules. That's pretty vague. But my point is, it's pretty lax in my office. It's a small office. It's comfortable. We communicate pretty well and everyone is pretty understanding, for the most part. One of the reasons I never tried to go work at some big corporate office where I may make more money is specifically because of the comforts in this small office environment. There are no other secretaries to contend with or compete against for a raise, only myself and the office budget. On the flip side, when I'm not there because I decided to take a vacation, have a baby, get married, go to a funeral, etc...there is no one to fill in for me. So they have to spend more money to hire someone else or go without the services of a secretary until I return. In 21 years I have earned 15 days of vacation. Those days are used when I take vacation, go to the doctor, tend to sick children, go to a funeral, go to court with my son, whatever I ask to take off work for. And I actually started getting 15 days vacation about 10 years ago. I've been very fortunate to have asked for the time off, been given the time off and been given the opportunity to return to work, every time I've asked. There were some lessons learned, like when I took a week off when my dad died to deal with his funeral arrangements, estate and my own personal issues with the loss of my father. I didn't know that that whole week was coming out of my vacation days. I thought I would get bereavement days for losing a parent. I thought every employee was awarded some time off for that. I found out after returning to work about that rule of 25 or fewer employees. I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, I do understand how that works. But I always wonder if I would've taken that whole week off if I had known. I may have been a mess for a few days but I would've shown up and done my job. I always do.
I've always been a wear your heart on your sleeve person. But I've also been a person who believes in standing up for what is fair. I know, as I've said several times, how fortunate I am to have the job that I have and to have the kind of employers who are not only sympathetic to the unfortunate events in my life but willing to keep me employed knowing that it may take a little time for me to get past whatever I was going through. In all this time, and through all the hardships, the hardest thing by far was the situation I went through with my son. It was a 1.5 year process and is proving to be something that will likely never end. When it all started I knew it was a pivotal point in my life. This event changed A LOT of lives, but as it relates to this 'story', I can only tell you how it affected mine. I knew that how I handled this was going to literally be the guiding light in my life, whether I made it through intact but with a different outlook on life, or I failed miserably and let the sorrow take me down with it. During this time....a year and nine months now...I have tried so hard to maintain in life. I powered through so many emotions and managed to come out stronger in a lot of ways. But there is also a little piece of me that is gone and will likely never, ever come back. All the days that I showed up for work thinking I was doing the right thing, thinking that being there was better than being home alone to drown in my emotions, thinking that if I just stayed busy and occupied with the responsibilities of my job I would be able to get through the hardest parts of this chaos and everyone would be happy...I was simply making a fool of myself. I was doing more harm than good, making grammatical mistakes, mistakes that cost my bosses money...mistakes that would tarnish my relationship with them from that point forward. I'll admit, I'm not as good at handling stress the way I used to be. I was so strong and fearless when it came to getting through the things that tried to destroy me. But now there's more at stake. If I screw up at work, it doesn't just affect the trust between me and my employers, it literally puts my job at stake. And my job affords me the life that I live. There's a reason Barry and I both work. This is the life we've built. And to maintain it, we both have to bring in a paycheck. We aren't rich. We don't have a lot of things. But what we do have is very precious to me...to us. Where I used to be a brave, strong, fearless force to be reckoned with, I now feel like an embarrassed, terrified, weak excuse for a mother and employee. How did this happen? I used to be so proud of what I made it through and who I'd become. But now that I look back at the things I 'survived'...I feel like it was a false sense of accomplishment. I'm still proud and grateful for the life I have. But not so proud of who I've become in the meantime. I've lost my backbone. I've lost my armor. I've lost my belief in myself. I no longer feel like I could conquer the world but more like the world has conquered me. Maybe I'm fooling myself for being proud of myself for having worked at this job 21 years. Maybe I should be spending more time thanking them for putting up with me and my chaos all of these years. Maybe it's time for me to make some different decisions in my life and walk away from all I've ever known my entire adult years as it relates to work. I was 21. I had the world in the palm of my hands. And where am I now? Financially speaking, no further in life than I was at 21. So when every single mistake I make is thrown in my face and I want to curl up in the fetal position and give up on life....maybe it's because I've been fooling myself all these years. The only people that need me are my kids. My husband will say he needs me but let's be honest....he doesn't even know his own value and he would find someone else in a heartbeat if he had to. He wants me, thank God. But he doesn't need me. My employers don't need me. They want me because keeping me there is easier than starting over with someone new. That would certainly save them some money, on one hand. But they would have to reteach someone else and that takes time. Time away from the cases they need to work on and time that could ultimately cost them more money. They want me but I'm quickly becoming someone they don't need.
I'm clearly having a day so I'm sorry if my lack of control of my negative emotions has influenced anyone reading this. And know that I'm fully aware of how depressed I sound. I'm really in a bad place emotionally, today. And I'm writing to try to get through it. I want to get through it so I can think more clearly and make good decisions. If I don't get through it, I know I'll make decisions I regret. The reason I started this blog all those years ago was not to gain followers or sympathizers. It was for me. I wanted a place I could get it all out. Do you know how long it takes to hand write this shit? Yeah. I type 110 wpm and don't know how to shut up so typing is way more effective. But I digress...
What am I trying to say? What is the point of 'getting all this out'? What am I hoping to accomplish here? What the hell do I want?
I want to go to work with the confidence I used to have. I want to do a good job, be appreciated for that, and earn a paycheck so that I can not only take care of my children but also teach them the value of a good job as well as the money they get paid to do it. There is a part of me that is really struggling with what is best here. The only thing I'm sure of is that it's best to continue making a paycheck to take care of my family. Everything else involved in that is a gray area right now. On one hand...21 years seems like I've wasted a lot of time and should've pursued something else much sooner than now. And on that same hand, I'm upset with myself for not pursuing other avenues of income over the years. I could've started a blog that people were more likely to follow, created a base of customers and done something from home like I've always dreamed about doing. The thought of trying that now and failing is sobering. I love to paint, work with arts and crafts, try new things with cakes and entrees. I'm crafty in a lot of ways and instead of talking about how making a career out of it could kill my passion, I should've been using all that to build a future. I feel like I've long missed that boat. I certainly can't start that kind of business today expecting it to replace my current income. At 45, if I try to pursue another job in the same area I'm skilled in, there's little chance I would be in a better position, financially. I can hear the responses now....'we can't afford to pay you what you are worth with 21 years of experience'. Or I would be 'lucky' enough to take a job where I ended up miserable and blaming myself for taking my current bosses for granted. There has to be balance and right now I'm working with feathers and rocks. Lots and lots of rocks. There are little sparks....moments of clarity or calm when I think that giving up my current job to stay at home might be just what this momma needs. I've spent the last month at home for the most part and trust me, I haven't taken one second for granted. I've thought about how different this last month would've been if I had been laid off. I would still be happy to be home with my kids but not having an income would've made things so much more difficult. I feel for the people who have been laid off, especially the ones who haven't been approved or don't qualify for unemployment. And I know how blessed I am to be afforded the ability to stay home AND bring in a paycheck. That alone is enough to drown me in guilt for complaining at all. So let me just say it again. Thank God I have a job. Thank God I have a job with employers that are willing and able to do whatever they can for me. Thank God I have employers that are willing to allow me to stay home for safety reasons, even though my job is technically essential because theirs is and I am their only staff, and still provide me with a paycheck when they, themselves are struggling financially, through this pandemic. Thank. You. God.
Every time I hear, "you messed up again", I feel like a child being reprimanded by a parent. But more than that I feel less and less deserving of the privileges I've been afforded. I have tried so hard to be the best employee I could be, knowing I'll never be perfect, and always appreciating every ounce of understanding and compassion I've received. I'll be returning full time to work this coming Monday. I'm terrified of making mistakes. I'm so worried that I will somehow come up short or be chastised for a minor mistake and shamed for not being 'better' or keeping my work life separate from my home life. The guilt and embarrassment that has been instilled in me is making it impossible to feel good about what is expected of me. And on that whiny note, I'll end my boo-hooing with this. Life is really tough sometimes. Being able to find balance between work, home, and play is not easy. I'm at an impasse in life right now. I can't let life boil over into work and currently, I'm handling life pretty well. But I feel I'm at a precipice and the glass is wearing thin. I've been through a lot and for the most part, I think I've handled everything in my life better than expected. I want even better from here on out. I want to move forward. I don't want to go back and I don't want to settle. I don't want to be taken for granted. I don't want to be unappreciated. I don't want to be tolerated. I want to be respected, valued and understood. And most importantly, I want to be happy. A huge part of me wants to step down after 21 years and take a different path in life. A path that is more emotionally rewarding. But I don't want to walk away leaving any bitterness behind. I will go to work and do my job to the best of my ability. And once some normalcy returns, I will take the steps necessary to kickstart the change I need in my life. Those steps may grow a little as time goes by. But change is inevitable.
Whatever life throws at me, I'm hopeful, but I'm terrified. And I really wish I had my mother.
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