Please don’t mistake my kindness for weakness, my silence
for ignorance, my tears for failure. I’m just busy fighting the good fight,
making it count and healing from the inside, out. We all have moments that
define us, moments that refine us and moments that confine us. God give me breath in my lungs until this
moment refines me.
Just when I think I’ve learned how to be strong, overcome my
fears, stand tall in the face of adversity, persevere with broken wings, stifle
the tears and set an example for my children, reality slaps me firmly across
the face.
I’ve never been in this position. This fear, this adversity…it’s
stronger than any other I’ve ever faced. I’ve tried to fit into the box with clichés
and go-to, feel-good phrases by telling myself things like, “God would never give
me more than I can handle,” and “This too shall pass”. I’ve tried to reason with my heart by
explaining away all my selfish thoughts and trying to convince myself that it’s
not my battle to fight. I’ve been silent when historically my words can’t be
contained. I’ve made it through 20+ hours a day for 2 months, working, driving,
caring for my children and my household, trying to maintain without collapsing only
to fight for 4 solid hours of sleep at night. I do good and stay focused all
day only to barely be strong enough to stave off nightmares when my mind
finally slows down enough to attempt to rest.
I smile while my demons claw at my insides. I clench my fists and my
teeth as I remain professional behind my desk. Every spare, quiet, lonely
moment is like an hour in confinement as my mind and heart battle it out for
good and evil.
Sometimes the pain of reality is too much for one soul to
bear. Sometimes I want to scream loud enough to wake the dead. I want to bury
my face and let all my emotions go at once in the hopes of some kind of relief.
I am a fixer, a lover, a safe place, a healing ear. When did I become less? Why
must I keep reminding myself that I am stronger than that which weighs on my
heart? Why must it weigh on me? Is it not enough to have suffered so much
already? Have I not shown how strong I am by that which I’ve already survived? I
am strengthened by the love from my people when they are near but the moment they
are out of reach I am drowning again. I need to find my way out of this hell,
out of this darkness before it consumes me. If only I could find a ladder long
enough to reach that shred of hope I can’t seem to find.
This is only a moment. Keep moving and just breathe.
Today is a good day.
My blessings are many. Tomorrow will be better, God willing.
This only a moment.
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