Today is Awful

I used to write all the time so I thought maybe this would help. 

Today is awful.  I didn’t wake up this way but it definitely went from bad to worse at some point. I don’t know if there was any one thing that happened to send me over the edge.  Getting ready for work seemed to go like clockwork, usual routine and time frame.  I got a little stern with Tanner because he wasn’t listening.  I had to tell him quite a few times to get moving and each time I could feel myself losing more and more patience, mostly because I worried about him missing the daycare bus. If that happens I have to take him to school and he can’t get in until 9am.  So by the time I would get out of the school parking lot and get to work it would be around 9:15-9:30. That’s stressful.  But it wouldn’t be the end of the world and I could just work through a lunch hour to make it up.

Anyway, driving down our street on our way to the daycare I noticed traffic was backed up again.  I knew the constant construction had something to do with it.  A driver pulled up and blocked me, not allowing me to turn and that irritated me too.  Not only was it rude but it’s illegal. I felt that anger briefly.  Then the next person let me out. I was in the right lane which unbeknownst to me until I got right up to the light was a right turn only.  I needed to go straight. I had about 8 minutes to get to the daycare that was about ½ a mile down that road. I didn’t want to be the annoying driver cutting into left turn traffic so I took that right turn with the intention of going around the block.  Everyone else had the same idea and with the high school right there I knew it would be 8-9 lights before I got through.  Not having time for that I turned right and headed the other direction around the block.  I could feel my heart beating in my chest as I stressed about making it on time and NOT being late to work.  The anticipation of more bad, hurried drivers doubled that stress.  I made it to the daycare just in time as the line of kids were in route to the bus as I parked. Thank God for that.  I thought that would relieve so much stress…just knowing we made it on time and I wouldn’t be late. Unfortunately that stress manifested and my body was letting me know.  

Pulling out of the parking lot my heart was just racing, my shoulders and the back of my head were pulsing with discomfort and twinges of pain and my stomach started to ache. I had pain between my shoulder blades that struck like lightening every time I inhaled. I felt empty but like I was possibly going to vomit.  I noticed how badly my hands were shaking and I opted to dump the rest of my coffee out instead of drinking it since I clearly didn’t need the caffeine at that point. I tried to call Barry because hearing his voice always seems to calm me down and bring me back to reality.  I didn’t want to call.  He’s been so stressed out at work lately.  The last thing he needed was to worry about me. But I needed to hear his voice. I needed his love to get me back on track.

He didn’t answer.

That was ok because I knew he would call me back as soon as he was able.  I would just have to put on my big girl panties and get my butt to work. At least there, I would have something to distract me.  It sounds crazy but I was hoping to walk in to a pile of things to do…just to keep me busy.  After all, crying at work is not really an option. As the vice grips tightened around my head, I drove on.

As I was driving to work down a route I hesitantly chose to take because of that earlier mentioned construction my mind raced in a million directions, thinking about all the stresses in my life as of late. Exacerbating that stress was the negligent, selfish, impatient flock of idiots on the road riding my tail, pulling out in front of me, cutting me off and not using signals.  The heat inside me as I pulled up next to the guy that cut me off without a signal as I entered the left turn lane from Arlington to Detroit was just shy of that of the pits of hell.  I know he could feel the daggers in my eyes. I know he knew he messed up.  He wouldn’t even look in my direction.  He is lucky I wasn’t just another negligent, selfish, impatient idiot because THAT person may have retaliated, somehow. As I approached a turn, someone from the straight lane to my right decided it would be a good idea to race up and cut over in front of me all while my tail end was being accosted by “Mr. I don’t care if this light turns red, I’m going”. Now feeling wedged between the two cars and all but forced off the road or into oncoming traffic I thought my heart was literally going to jump right out of my chest and onto the hood of my car, along with the rest of my body once this fiasco came to a head and we ended up in a twisted pile of metal. FUCK. EVERYONE. Traveling down the road in the one open lane surrounded by temporary concrete walls and construction barrels, the ass hugger was relentless.  As the road opened up to a fork I swiftly got in the left lane only to take the right fork and be ready to signal left again, fighting incoming highway traffic, a daily routine of mine. Ass hugger flew up in the right lane, passing me and getting at least 5-6 car lengths in front of me.  The light was red as we started to slow and I just knew he was going to get back over in front of me. And I was right.  I had so slam on the breaks….as did the line of cars behind me.  I couldn’t wait to just get into my work parking lot and get the hell out of my car. I could already feel the tears welling up in my eyes, realizing I was about a blink and a sniffle away from a full blown mental breakdown. My head was pounding. My chest was tight. My neck, shoulders and lower back were on fire. My stomach was in knots. It was harder to catch my breath. My entire body was trembling and I could feel that sense of fear and sorrow paralyzing me. Was I having a heart attack? Was I just overreacting due to lack of sleep and patience?

The 20 or so steps it took me to reach the door seemed like a mile but all the while I was counseling myself, telling myself to relax and stop allowing everything to make me feel this way. I so wish it were that easy.

I didn’t walk in to a pile of stuff to do but the work was constant all morning.  Barry tried to call me back but I was away from my phone, helping a client so I missed it.  I texted him because I knew I couldn’t talk without sobbing, and I had about 6 things going on at once that were work priorities. I knew I needed those priorities to keep my head above water. I stayed busy but so did my brain, all morning. 

I’ve always said I’m a strong person, but I’m not.  I’m just smart enough to know how to keep moving for the better good. I may have made it through some things in life…and I certainly have blessings abound.  But I fight battles every single day in my head and my heart.  I know I’m not alone. I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I have a million reasons to not let things control my emotions. I’m a wife and mother and people count on me. I have an office to manage, a house to manage, bills to pay, appointments and obligations to fulfill.  I have a busy calendar and I couldn’t be happier about that.  But under the smile, the fast pace, the get ‘er done persona, the checklists and calendar entries, the tough exterior and the mom in me…there is a whole lot of pain.  Everyone has a threshold, and I suppose I’ve reached mine today.

I know I need to find a way to deal.  Life shouldn’t be this hard for someone who has as many blessings as I do.  I need to pull back…realize that there are things that are out of my control (quite the challenge).  I’m not stressed out from traffic jams and strangers. My cup is just full.

I need to simplify and reorganize.  Talking doesn’t always seem to help as Barry is always there to listen but somehow these ugly thoughts always come back.  He radiates love and goodness, telling me all the things I need to hear and literally surrounding me with love.  But how do I stop worrying about him and the stress he is constantly under, especially lately? I count on him as much as he does on me. I hate to see him struggle emotionally because I don’t know what to say or do to help him get through it.  He’s counting on me to be his rock, the way I count on him, and I’m so afraid I’m going to fail him, disappoint him.  Gabe is off on this new journey with his college life and there are so many things changing for him.  I worry about him losing focus, falling behind and making life harder than it has to be because he wants so bad to have fun and be a part of something.  He’s a procrastinator, like his mom and dad, so I don’t want him to forget his end goal. Tanner is only 6 but already showing signs of distraction, much like his older brother was at that age. He’s so smart but he can’t sit still.  I know that’s most boys that age and the schools are just not designed for that. And we try so hard to keep his routines in line and talk to him about that kind of behavior at school.  I see it in everything he does and the older he gets, the more it seems to be out of his control. I don’t want to repeat the pattern from Gabe’s childhood with the medication woes. But I don’t know what else to do to help my baby focus and still be a little boy. Autumn is moving away to be with her husband and I am so happy for her, and excited too.  But I’m also worried.  That’s a lot of distance from your people, your support system. I know she’s happy because I see it with my own eyes and I hear it in her voice. But I can’t help but worry that she’s going to get hurt somehow. And thinking about that makes me wish she and I were much closer all these years. Does she even realize how much I love her? Caleb is going through the hardest thing he’ll likely ever have to go through in his entire life and I can’t help him.  He’s scared. He’s heartbroken. He’s never going to be the same after this. For 14 months he’s isolated himself because he thinks we’ve stopped loving him or something.  I have guilt for not being closer to him through all this but I honestly don’t know how.  I haven’t slept since last August.  I nearly ended up institutionalized, myself, over this.  When Barry told me that I needed to get right because he and the boys counted on me…it forced me to bury all those emotions for the sake of being there for everyone else in my family that needed me.  Part of me needed to hear that, clearly.  But it also cut like a knife. Was he telling me that I am being weak or that I don’t love my family enough? Am I expected to handle all this better than I am? Even though I ask myself those questions I know that he is also hurting through all this. I know it’s important to take care of myself, more so because of the fact that I’m still raising babies and have a husband and a household to tend to.  But also because it’s what’s best for me.  It doesn’t do a person any good to drown in all that misery. And I was doing ok….until Caleb told me he wanted to kill himself. My son wants to end his life because the emotional pain of it all is too much to bare. I couldn’t get to him when he reached out to me…and if he would’ve succeeded I would have to live with that guilt forever.  I’ve talked to him a few times and he’s doing better but he’s still struggling.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know if he hears me when I talk. I know how loud that kind of emotional stress can be in your own head and it makes it really heard to hear what anyone else is trying to tell you.  And I fear the worst is yet to come. I really wish I had my mom and dad to call...to cry to...to lean on so my poor husband didn't have to always bear the burden of my fragile heart.

I am having a hard time figuring out the right thing…the best thing to do in every aspect of my life right now.  I feel like I’m being pulled in 8 different directions and I can’t prioritize.  I feel so upside down and confused most of the time. And my heart just won’t stop aching.  I know they say God will never give you more than you can handle but this…is too much.  I’m sitting at work, crying and writing to myself to try to make sense of it all. Even after all these ‘words’ I’m no better off.  My heart and my body are telling me this is too much and my mind is telling me there is nothing I can do about it. And that…hurts.

I’ll finish my work day.  I’ll continue with my daily routines.  And I’ll wake up tomorrow and do it again.  But until something changes, I’ll do it with pain in my heart and tears in my eyes. I hope the world doesn’t view my pain and struggles as weakness because I will persevere.  I will get through it and I will take care of my family all the while.  They are hurting too…and without each other none of us will get through this with our hearts intact. I don't want pity.  But I know God's listening.  He'll get me through whatever this is.

By myself, I am a shell of a human. But my family is my armor and my lifeline. Together, we are love and light, a force to be reckoned with. 

God grant me the serenity…