Here's to forever

What is happiness? What is forever? I don't know if I can give you a definition, but I can give you my perspective.

In November, 1997 I was beginning a journey that unbeknownst to me would turn out to be the best decision I had ever made. I began writing to a pen pal introduced to me by my aunt, Karen and uncle, Brad. They both worked for the same company where a co-worker had mentioned her son, who was living far from home. Deciding to write to a complete stranger was not easy, but I'm so glad I did.

Growing up I was much like any other little girl. Well, maybe not any...I was a bit of a tomboy for the first 12 years or so. I had dreams of being a princess and finding my prince. I thought I'd have a lot of kids and live in a big house.  I hoped that I would be beautiful, like Cinderella and smart as a whip. I wanted to be able to travel the world, be someone important and live to be 101. I also wanted 100 baby dolls, a wardrobe like Barbie and car that talked to me.  I had many dreams about a pony with a rainbow colored mane, a best friend that was 3" tall and blue, living in a castle at Disney Land so I could be there every day and having hair as long as Rapunzel.  The older I got, like most girls, my dreams changed.  They became much simpler. I won't tell you that I had a terrible upbringing because I have a lot of wonderful memories.  There were bumps in the road, sure. In a lot of ways, the adults that were responsible for raising me could have made better choices where I was concerned. But one very consistent thing for me was love.  Above and beyond everything else, I knew I was loved. I was an only child for 10 years.  At 10 years old I may have still wanted 100 baby dolls, but I also wanted to grow up and get out of Dodge! I knew some day I would grow up and have my own babies. As a teenager I'm sure there were a lot of people that thought that would be a lot sooner than it was. But I was smart and I knew what I wanted. Or at least, what I didn't want. I didn't want to be a statistic. I didn't want people to give up on me. I didn't want to struggle emotionally, financially or morally.  I had goals, small as they were. I wanted to graduate high school. I wanted to do something with my life that my future children could look back on and be proud of. I wanted to experience life in every happy, exciting, memorable way I could and I didn't want to do it alone. I wanted someone to hold my hand, walk by my side, tell me when I was screwing up and love me anyway. I wanted to learn everything there was to learn about everything so I could pass it down. I wanted to find a way to see through the clouds, beyond the storm, to the sunshine that I knew was waiting for me. I wanted to live a simple, happy life without the drama that I grew up with.  Though I probably should have waited a little longer for that first child, I have no regrets. Becoming a mother at 18 was rough, no doubt. But 18 years later, I wouldn't change a thing. I'm not condoning motherhood at 18. I was graduated from high school before I...did the deed.  I consider that a pretty big accomplishment, where I came from. Still, the lack of responsibility was apparent, I admit. Nevertheless, I struggled and persevered once again, continuing in my pursuit of happiness.

I've always said that most of the lessons I learned in life were from watching other people fail.  That certainly doesn't mean I didn't make mistakes of my own. Mistakes are most definitely a part of life. "He who recovers from his own mistakes makes more out of the life he's given," says me. I think at some point in my life I started feeling like I was losing hope.  I wondered if I'd find the light at the end of the tunnel. I wondered if I would ever have 100 'baby dolls', find the love of my life, or be able to look back and be glad I lived through it all.  In November, 1997 I took hold of the reigns and started to finally feel like I had some control in my life. That's when I wrote the first letter that my pen pal received on his birthday. After 3 and a half years of writing to him, one failed marriage, four months of living under my aunts roof and feeling like a heal, one dangerously close encounter with a potential nervous breakdown, a river of tears, severe lack of self respect, years of no direction and no money, and the sheer luck of avoiding an ulcer or the inevitability of doom after a rough 25 years of hardships...I woke up. My pen pal, my best friend, was right there in front of me and I felt as if finally everything in my life made sense. There were a million things I didn't know about life but the one thing I knew for sure was that my life would never be the same without him.  So he was stuck with me! My best friend. My soul mate.

Our 10 year wedding anniversary is a mere 14 months away.  The time has flown by so quickly that I sometimes can feel the effects of whiplash! For the first couple years we were just getting to know the little things about each other that we didn't pick up in writing. There wasn't much left to learn. In the end of our pen pal writing days we were averaging about 5 letters a week. I'm pretty sure he knew every thought in my head, before I thought it! We were like the Yin and Yang symbols.  We just fit together. It's the most amazing thing. I never thought in such a relatively short amount of time that I would feel this way about another person. 12 years later, we're still standing tall, so much in love, and living this life, together.

So many things have changed in the 15 years since we started writing. He has given me so many reasons to love him. I can only hope I've done the same for him. It hasn't always been cupcakes and roses. We've learned so much about each other and about our relationship over the years. Every imperfection has been turned into reminder of how strong we are. Every tear has turned into a meaningful conversation. Every decision has become a stepping stone for the goals we're trying to reach. We've managed to get through quite a bit, our love for each other unwavering. No matter how difficult the task, we've braved it and we've survived, coming out wiser and stronger than when we went in. I can only speak for myself when I say that knowing him has helped me get to know myself. I see myself in him in so many ways, and I absolutely love that. I go to bed every night with him by my side and wake up every day to his sweet face. Nothing else matters when he's there. I know, when he looks in my eyes, holds my hand, and smiles that everything in my life that has lead to that moment was all worth it.  I know when I'm at my worst, he's not going anywhere, except by my side to lift me up. I know that when we're not together, he's always thinking of me. I know that I am more than he's ever wanted or expected in a partner in life. I know that he thinks I'm beautiful, especially in the morning, because he tells me, every single day. He is my best friend. He is my husband. He is my dream. He is my life. He makes me feel whole. He makes me feel loved. He makes me feel like all the baby dolls, talking cars, trips to Disney Land, rainbow ponies, and oodles of long blonde hair were nothing compared to what I have now.

Today, I'm living my dream. Whatever happens tomorrow is perfect, as long as he's there with me. I can only hope that the people that I love are fortunate enough to find the happiness I've found. If they haven't, I hope they never give up.  One day they'll look back and say it was all worth it. All of you that think true love is just a dream, please don't ever give up.  The only advice I can give is this: In order to find the person you think you are looking for, you must first get to know yourself. Be willing to learn more about yourself and to give someone else a chance to know you, too.  Understand that to make a relationship last, you have to agree to disagree sometimes.  You have to know when to give each other space to think about things before you make major decisions. Learn to communicate about the big things and the little things because the more you talk, the more comfortable you become.  If your idea of winning is giving up and walking away, you were never really trying.  If you feel like you are the only one willing to make it work, walking away may feel like your only option. But you don't have to walk away mad. You'll likely take that anger right into the next relationship, making it harder on yourself.  We're human. Our feelings get hurt. We don't always know what we want. We don't have all the answers. But we have each other.  No one is really alone in this world, are they? If you are basing your potential true love on movies and books, you might just never find it. Although they seem happy, what you don't see are the days when the stars are not quite aligned, if you know what I mean. I say that every day is perfect for me because my husband is in it.  By that I mean that I'm blessed for every day I have with him, whether we are bickering over something silly, in complete disagreement, sleeping on different floors of the house or bathing in utter bliss.  I have an ultimate respect for him on so many levels. I try to let him be a man as often as I can but Lord knows I can be a little hard to deal with, to put it mildly.  I used to think that I wanted to be in a relationship where no one ever had to say they were sorry. If you don't do anything to have to apologize for, all is well, right? Wrong. Making up is sometimes the very best part! My grandmother and my father used to tell me that anything worth having was worth fighting for. I might have had to go through some rough waters before I met my husband, and I'm sure we'll go through plenty together, but coming out on the other side with him next to me is what matters to me. And I know that's what he wants too.  'Perfect' is wanting the same things and being willing to do what it takes to get there, together. I'm ready for the next 15 years. I'm excited for the next 30. And I can't wait for the next 50!

Here's to finding yourself and your true love!! When you get there, it'll all make sense. I promise.