A heavy heart

Do you ever have those moments...those days...when everything just comes out wrong? When you think you are perceiving a situation one way only to find out that you were blinded by your own feelings? Affairs of the heart are so complex.

I recently had a situation bubble up in my life that has me completely upside down in my mind and my heart.  At this point I just don't know how to feel.  Some moments I feel like crying because it feels like I'm losing someone very dear to me.  And other moments I can see through the selfish feelings to the core of the problem and my heart hurts because there is nothing I can do about it. Or at least, that's how it feels.

I will not go through the painful process of how I got to be who I am today but I will say that if I had it to do all over again I wouldn't change a thing.  Well, maybe a thing.  But I'm glad I went through some tough times. I'm glad I have a colorful past that I can remember and have something to look back on and say that I made it through.  Those tough times are part of who I am. When I became a mother my whole world was changed in the blink of an eye.  I was scared to death. I had no courage. I had no faith. I had no inner strength.  I relied on the people around me to make me feel better.  I had a million reasons to feel sorry for myself and I took advantage of every single one of them.  Thank God I grew up a lot in the course of the last 17 years.  I don't know what I would've done or what kind of mother I would've turned out to be if my loved ones hadn't been there for me, guiding me, loving me, forgiving me, letting me make mistakes, picking me up when I fell and allowing me to be myself for all those years.  I try to do the same with my children. I let them know that I'm not perfect on a regular basis. But I do the best that I can. And they are living proof that my best is pretty damn good.

My family life is beyond content.  I know that where I am is where I'm meant to be.  So when situations arise that make me feel scared, worried, mad or disappointed, as a family, we figure out how to get through it.  That's what family is for. Every day isn't sunshine and rainbows. But the days that are bright are the ones that matter.  My family is my reason for finding a way out of the dark times and into the light.

The few good friends I have are the other reason I can wake up every day and smile.  They are some of the strongest branches on my tree of life.  Without them there would definitely be holes in my heart.  They make me laugh. They make me cry. They are brutally honest when I need to hear it and compassionate when I'm not quite strong enough to handle the truth. We share stories, worries and so much more.  If I'm being hard headed about something, they aren't afraid to tell me to get off my high horse.  When I'm sad they make me aware of how much I have to be thankful for. When I'm mad they stand behind me or they slap me and bring me back to reality.  I like having people that will listen to me talk for hours on end...and Lord knows I can.  Those people know that I can listen just the same.  Sometimes that's all a person needs is to get it out of their system.  When I was little there were people that really didn't like that I talked so much.  Now I have a 10 year old that could out talk me any day of the week! I don't always take the advice that is given to me and I'm not always the best at giving it.  But isn't that why it's called advice? You advise someone of what you think in a situation in order to help them make a decision.  You don't make the decision for them. Right? My friends and I can sit and talk for hours on end about absolutely nothing or about everything under the sun and in the end we know what mattered most was the time we spent together. There are times when my friends and I don't speak or see each other for long periods of time.  It's weeks or months later when we do talk and it feels like just yesterday that I realize how true these friends are.  We can pick up on a conversation after 3 months without missing a beat.  I don't like going that long without seeing my friends...but it happens.  Life happens.

I believe that life is not about the things that happen in your life but how you deal with them.  I realize that everyone is different, not everyone agrees with me and to some I might seem like someone I'm really not.  But to the people that truly love me, the people that I love with my whole heart, they know me well enough to know that I would never intentionally hurt anyone, friend or foe.  All I want, all I've ever wanted out of life is to be happy.  Every choice I've made in my life was made because I thought it would lead to some form of happiness.  Did I make some bad decisions? Hell yes. Am I happy? Hell yes.  Do I have moments when I don't feel so happy? Hell yes. That's when I lean on those people in my life that love me unconditionally. I know they can't make me happy. I have to do that for myself.  But what makes me happy more than anything in the world is being around the people I love and people that know how to love me back.  I know that in time, just being around them is going to make me feel better, see clearer and be able to let go of whatever is holding me back from being happy in the first place.  I'm a pretty simple person and I'm extremely emotional. I do talk a lot. And most of the time, about nothing.  In my parenting years my children have helped me learn that sometimes all I need to say is the bare minimum.  I'm pretty sure they don't hear anything after the first 3 sentences anyway.  In my marriage, our relationship is based on love, trust and communication. We were pen pals for almost 4 years before we got together and we still write each other letters every so often.  If I have something to say he will listen to me as long as it takes to get my point across if he thinks it's what will make me happy.  And he knows that I would do the same.  I'm not one to push my troubles to the back burner.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and have no patience when it comes to affairs of the heart.  I tend to be very reactive.  I've always been this way.  I've been told that I tend to want to control conversations.  I hope that any of those people that I mentioned that I love so much....would tell me if I'm coming across that way because that is not who I am.  I am a strong minded individual. I am raising 2 boys. I work for criminal defense attorneys. I married an ex convict. In some ways I feel like the tom boy I used to be until the age of 12 or so.  I'm rough around the edges but still soft on the inside, as women tend to be.  I stand up for myself.  I don't take much crap from anyone without giving it right back if I feel it's necessary.  And I won't stand for anyone being taken advantage of. Some people might call me...stubborn.  Of course I don't see it that way. I know who I am. I know I'm not perfect. I'm not happy all the time. I'm not great with words, especially in the heat of the moment. But I'm ok with all of my flaws and all of my attributes.  I know that I shouldn't let certain things get to me but sometimes I can't help it.  I feel so misunderstood right now.  I can't focus. I can't function because I can't stop thinking that a very dear friend doesn't want me around her unless I can be the person she wants me to be.

I am in a tough place emotionally right now.  This friend claims to need me but isn't willing to accept me for who I am.  She can't just listen when I talk without feeling like she needs to fix me. She can't understand that just because I'm telling her how something is making me feel, it doesn't mean I feel like my world is coming to an end. And it doesn't mean I'm depressed or miserable or that I need her to do something about it. It means I'm telling my friend how I feel because I trust her. I never thought any of my friends would feel like I was taking advantage of them because I tell them what's going on in my life or express worry about something. I've tried to convince myself that she didn't mean to hurt my feelings and more to the point...it isn't even about me. It's about her and what she is going through and right now, she really needs a friend.  I've tried to swallow all those crazy emotions of mine that always get in the way but I just can't.  It's been 5 days and I still feel the way I did when this started.  I can't be the friend she needs if I'm feeling hurt by her and I can't stuff those emotions away until she gets through her ordeal either.  I honestly don't know what to do.  I'm afraid to talk to her right now because I know she doesn't need the stress of all this. I know that she wants positive words and positive people in her life.  I want to be that friend. I want to comfort her. I want to hang out with her and laugh and love.  But now that i know how she really feels, all I'm going to want to do is ask her a million questions and talk to her for hours about it.  But she doesn't want that.  My feelings did get hurt, as I suspect anyone's would in this situation. And I really am sorry that my emotions don't have a switch.  For now I'm going to rely on that old 'only time will tell' theory.  And I hope that some day we can sit down and talk.  For me, that's the only way I'm going to find peace in this situation.  Or maybe that's just me being head strong again.