There was a time when I was looking ahead to new beginnings. Sure, I was scared, not knowing what to expect or when to expect it, but I had hope. Hope for a brighter future. Hope for a little relief, financially. Hope for change that would set me on a different, better path in life. I'm still very hopeful. And I'm still looking forward. This view is a little different than I had imagined it would be at this point. But the future still looks very bright.
In this 'novel' I am going to share not only my journey through new beginnings (so far) but a little perspective and a brief view into my chaotic, emotional and ever changing mind. I am able to manage my feelings and emotions on a lot of levels by writing down my thoughts If no one reads this, it's still benefiting me to sort things out and understand them better through this type of expression. I'm so grateful to inquisitive minds who enjoy reading what I write, and to those who share their thoughts in return. So I hope if you do read it, you are at least entertained.
Here I sit, 19 days into this new journey, and the evolution of my feelings has been a little more than I anticipated. What a whirlwind it's been! I knew saying 'goodbye' would be hard. And it was. I knew saying 'hello' would be a challenge as well. And it was. Traveling by air for the first time in 14 years to tour my new headquarters, meet staff that I'll mostly only work with, remotely, and soaking up every ounce if information I could possibly soak up in that 41 hours (yes, I counted) was challenging, exciting, terrifying and encouraging. Little by little, the hard things are becoming a little easier but there is one 'feeling' I've been having trouble with. Anxiety is a MONSTER. No matter who you are, what you've been through, how prepared you are for something or how much you have to learn, when you throw anxiety into the mix, it compounds every single aspect of the situation you are in.
The last week at the old office was harder than I imagined, too. Wow, that was 5 weeks ago, already. I was supposed to be training the new hire but there were quite a few bumps in the road. In some ways I felt like I worked harder that week than I had in the previous 23 years. Sarcasm was a heavy burden as thoughts raced through my head, causing me to ask myself, 'should I be actually working or training?' If I were the boss, and my employee of 23 years was on her last week of employment, I think I'd take it a little easier on her. But that's just me. Circumstances were challenging as the new hire faced some health problems that caused her to not be there a lot of the time, mentally and physically. I felt terrible for her. I was definitely in full mom-mode. I tried so hard to simplify everything in writing before she came to train. I imagined it would be hard to retain everything so I wanted her to have a visual reference for when I was no longer there. A giant part of me, the part that felt like family to that office, wanted to make myself indefinitely available to answer questions and trouble shoot, as long as it took her to get acclimated, anyway. And I will risk sounding selfish by saying that I wanted to make sure my office was left in a manageable state of operation once I was no longer there to run it. My raw emotions were absolutely dangling on my shirt sleeve that whole 5 days. A million thoughts, all day and night, running rampant and causing me to worry and second guess every single thing. Couple that with the fear that I'd be easily forgotten and my heart was just a big giant ball of mush. Half my life, folks. Half my life. I was somehow able to compartmentalize my feelings during that week to focus only on the organization of introducing new help, cleaning up old messes, organizing for their future, removing everything about me from their business. The last day was the hardest. They planned a little goodbye gathering for me at 4pm that day. I knew I had to leave by 3 to get my boy from daycare and drop him at home before I headed to the 'party'. The morning was hectic as I walked in to what I expected to be a clean, empty, and someone what sad looking desk only to find a pile of to-do's. I got a call that one of the powers-that-be would likely not be in before the afternoon due to a busy morning schedule. That schedule consisted of some business but mostly pleasure or dare I say 'other' responsibilities. This call caused me to reflect a little and there was no way to quell the anger, the hurt, the sadness. It was my last day of work after a faithful 23 years and there was something more important than that. Something that wasn't a business necessity. Something that could've waited. Something that was clearly 'bigger' than I was to this person. Yes, my feelings were a bit juvenile and I was being a big baby. But that sense of family was clearly stronger in me than it was in them, and that's painful. I swallowed those hard feelings and continued to prep for the new hire's arrival as well as still taking care of business that was obviously still expected of me, even on my very last day of work (insert more sarcasm). As per the flow of the entire week, she wasn't up to par but she hung in and tried to follow along. In any other scenario I would have had her doing the work and I would've supervised but these 'tasks', according to the person who was unable to be there due to all those responsibilities, needed to be done that day. These tasks normally take several days to complete, by the way. But who pulled through? Who powered through all the things to make sure, one last time, that things were 'taken care of'? I was unable to run errands that day like normal due to the fact that I had to leave early, though not as early as I had hoped. It was after 3:30 and I had to drive about 8 miles to pick up my son, drop him at home and make it back down to the 'party'. I was late to my own party. Fitting, I suppose. Once again, a million emotions. I was angry for being expected to do all that work on my last day, angry that no one cared to ask if I needed help, angry that no one even noticed the time or seemed to care that I was running late to my own party. I was sad because it felt like no one cared. It felt like no one was even in tune with my emotions. I don't mean to sound like a child about it but this day was GIANT in my life. I thought they felt the same way about me that I did about them. I thought they cared about more than the position they paid me to be in. I thought we were family. Honestly, this is me being a bit dramatic. But when anxiety rears it's head, drama ensues. I was pleasantly surprised at the faces I saw that evening. There were a lot of stories, shared memories, heartfelt feelings and goodbyes as my employers and acquaintances, new and old came to bid me farewell. Bittersweet doesn't even begin to cover it. It was humbling in some ways and by far the best part of my entire week. And yet somehow, I still felt as if this little outpouring of support was somehow a burden to some.
The following week was supposed to be a little down time between jobs for me to relax, rest, gather my thoughts, prepare for a new day. I spent the beginning of the week preparing for my in-laws to visit from out of state. You know how it is. Cleaning and organizing all the things to make it look like you're on top of things. The visit seemed so short as they were here just a few days but it was some much needed family time that not only filled my heart but also distracted me from all the other emotions I rightfully should have been feeling at that time. My first official day of work at the new job was that following Thursday. The couple days before I started are a bit foggy in my memory but what I do know is that I was a hot mess! I realized pretty quickly that the only emotions I had been dealing with up to that point were those associated with my 'old' job. I had somehow managed to put those feelings on the front burner and essentially block out any feelings about the new job. I hadn't really thought about the new job much until that point. And suddenly it hit me. The law office wasn't my office any more. The new office wasn't mine either. Suddenly, I didn't fit in anywhere.
The first day was short and really just a lot of paperwork. Getting me in the system so that I could receive a paycheck, etc. I got my new phone that day and for about 5-6 days was overwhelmed with issues switching service from AT&T to Verizon. Some texts were coming in on the old phone but I couldn't reply. Some were coming in on the new phone and I could. But the messages that came in on the old phone never appeared in the conversation on the new one. Calls were only coming in on the old phone and I was able to take those calls, even though service was supposed to have ended on that one. It was very strange to say the least. For the first 3 days of the following week things were pretty slow and uneventful. I don't know what I expected at this point but it was a very overwhelming feeling of not fitting in, not keeping up, not knowing what to do or how to do it. The irony of that is that there was really nothing to do yet. That Wednesday morning the new boss picked me up and we headed to the airport in Detroit. There was a lot of awkward silence as we made the hour or so trip up. I was feeling a lot of things that were somewhat paralyzing, like wondering if he was having any hiring remorse already. I'm aware those were irrational thoughts since I hadn't even been able to do any sort of 'work' for him yet. In my mind I had all these ideas of how my first month or so would go and so far, I've yet to encounter a single day where any of that has come to fruition. He said it would be slow going at first. He said there would be a lot of down time. So I should just breathe, I know. And I'm trying. I haven't flown in 14 years. If you haven't flown in a while, let me just tell you things are SO much different than they were back then!!! And let's talk about that for a minute. I was pretty intimidated at how well my boss had his crap together. Seriously, he walked (well, he kind of ran) with confidence with every single step. He has traveled a lot and has been doing this for some time, so of course he has confidence. Nevertheless, it was a little intoxicating. I was walking as fast as I could and I could feel myself sort of trot from time to time, just to keep up! We zipped around, up and down, all around and I was completely lost in the first 2 minutes after we stepped out of the car in the parking garage. Honestly, I was lost the second we arrived in the Detroit Metro area. That place is insane! It was Wednesday morning, overcast and chilly and it felt like driving directly into the twilight zone. What world was I in?? I had to work pretty hard to keep up with him and I hoped he didn't notice that part. I hoped he was impressed at how well I adapted to this obviously new situation I was in. Security was a little nuts because we went in two different entrances, due to him being a frequent traveler and his status with the airline. I was a newbie. I got shuffled off with the gen pop. Maybe 14 years is a really long time but I didn't remember having to take our shoes off to go through security. Nevertheless, I made it through and came out the other side to find entirely too many directional options in front of me. The bossman was nowhere in sight. I looked at my flight info on my phone (there's an app for that!!) and saw my gate #. Then shortly realized there was an enormous map about 200 feet in front of me. Open those peepers, Sambo! I followed the signs like a responsible adult and found my gate. We had about 20 minutes before they started boarding. Whew! I won't lie, I was a little nauseous. Not just from all the anxiety of the previous couple hours and more so the last 20 minutes, but also because I was about to be roughly 35,000 feet in the air for an hour and a half. I had to sit near a stranger (remember, I was perk-less). He was like a robot. He didn't say hello or even look in my direction. That is really boring, sorry. I had an isle seat so I couldn't even look out the window for entertainment. There were kids in front of all the windows around me so I couldn't snap any pics for my youngest either. I imagine the parents would've been none too happy about me snapping photos of their kiddos. We landed, pretty smoothly I might add, and I was immediately thrown back into that anxiety ridden state as I realized I had to find the boss when I exited the plane. Once again I boarded that struggle bus and managed to keep in step as we made our way to the rental car, a Jeep Wrangler. At least we were going to look cool for a few days. We grabbed some Subway and went straight to headquarters and I was immediately introduced to the new faces knowing full well that I'd never remember everyone's name by the time I left that building.
Oh, and just to rewind a tad, I didn't bring my work laptop. I have a pretty tough time with opening my mouth (imagine that) to ask questions that I feel may seem frivolous, obvious, or self-explanatory. I like to think I'll figure it out, eventually, whatever it is. I learned pretty quickly on this trip that I need to open my mouth more! I didn't know we could take 2 carry-on bags. I managed to fit everything I thought I would need for that short trip in one carry-on-and-stuff-under-the-seat bag that my son let me borrow. I never asked if I would need to take the laptop as I assumed I wouldn't need it if I was just going to be 'observing' and 'touring'. Of course one of the first questions he asked when we arrived....you guessed it....and for the first time during that visit, I felt like a giant failure. That won't happen again.
Day one I was able to sit in on a meeting with the President and my boss and hear them discuss business matters, which gave me my first bit of insight into operations. Of course I didn't retain much from that because I have little to no knowledge of the actual business. This is worlds apart from what I've done the last 23 years. We went to the hotel to check in at the end of the work day and relaxed briefly before meeting for dinner. That dinner was pretty eventful, even if just on the entertainment end of things. The President of the company met us there and ended up offering our waiter a job. Opportunity knocks and you must answer, eh? Made it back to the room and hit the sheets like a ton of bricks! But not before grabbing a much needed shower and talking to my loves back home for a little bit. The next morning we were up and at it, arriving back at headquarters bright and early. It was a full day of meeting the team and learning all of their responsibilities. This was key since my dealings with them would be remotely and I needed to know who to reach out to and for what. Late morning we traveled downtown to attend a meeting and grab lunch. We ate at a pretty cool place that had great food, bar restaurant that reminded me of home, a lot. Then we headed back to headquarters where I met more of the team, toured more of the grounds and operations and met directly with a couple key players that I will likely have a lot of dealings with. We cleaned up at the hotel and headed out for dinner, again. This time more of the team met up with us as they were celebrating a birthday and engagement. The wife and son of the President also attended. For whatever reason, this was the point when the heaviest of burdens set in. My anxiety hit the roof and as I sat there trying so hard to go with the flow of things I started to feel myself sinking in my seat, physically. I was shivering from the cold air yet I could feel sweat forming on my brow. I had a hard time speaking. I smiled, hoping beyond hope that no one could see through it to the gut wrenching, deafening, paralyzing fear that was now in complete control of my body and mind. I managed to excuse myself and made my way to the bathroom. By the way, another really cool restaurant that served German dishes and had a serious German feel to the atmosphere. I loved it! Though I had tunnel vision from my seat all the way to the bathroom. Once safely inside I did some breathing exercises and paced a little to get my body temperate right and shaking to cease. I felt nauseous, my head was pounding, my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest and my ability to take in oxygen seemed to be diminishing, quickly. Then it hit me that I was in full blown panic attack mode! If you have never experienced a panic attack, count your blessings. I am completely embarrassed at what took place that evening but I'm hoping that by talking through this and sharing this experience, maybe it will never happen again. At the very least, someone reading may be able to relate and understand that they are not alone. I scolded myself for my weakness, staring at my reflection in disgust and disappointment. I told myself how ridiculous I was being and that what I was feeling was normal. I knew I had to face these people again, with that smile I mustered up before, and then I had to ride in the car with my boss back to the hotel, likely having some sort of intelligible conversation. The thought of losing my grip in front of him was terrifying and right then and there, as that thought zoomed through my mind, I indeed lost my grip. I vomited every delicious bit of food I had force fed myself just moments before. My eyes were watering, tears starting to stream, and my face instantly flushed red. My skin on my face felt tight, as did all of my joints and I felt a little dizzy. I swear I thought I was having a heart attack. I sat on the toilet to gather what I could of myself and continued those breathing exercises. I don't know how but some other force must have been at work as I cleaned myself up and made my way back to the table. I gulped down what was left of my lager, praying to at least mask my vomit breath, and hoped for the best. Making it back to the hotel a couple hours earlier than expected was nothing less than a miracle as I desperately needed to let it all out. I showered and crawled into the super comfy bed with full intentions of calling the fam before I allowed myself to fall into peaceful slumber. I didn't want to make that call until I was through the worst of the anxiety ridden evening so I laid in the bed for a few trying to make sense of that last few hours. The darkness swallowed me right up as I laid in silence crying, curled up in the fetal position. I woke up a couple hours later, startled from a dream that felt like anything but. I was mad that I fell asleep without having a chance to say goodnight to the fam. I knew I'd have a hard time falling back to sleep at that point, and I was right. I dozed back off, waking up around 3 am for good and finally got out of the bed around 5am. The rest of the morning, while getting ready for the day I walked around beating myself up, mentally, over the way I spent the entire trip worrying about everything under the sun. I had so many questions, and still do. I have so much guilt because I'm so used to being so busy all the time and suddenly, I'm not. I know it's temporary. As I learn more I'll do more, as with anything new. But in that moment, still having one more meeting on the books before I hopped back on that death trap in the sky, all I could do was fear the worst. What if they don't like me? What if they decide they don't need me? What if I don't fill the shoes they expect me to fill? What if I fail? I buried the anxiety, at least temporarily and packed up my things. We left the hotel before 8am and met with the President briefly before heading back to the airport. That meeting was more for them than me, but also meant as a final farewell. It really was great to be a part of those 3 days, even if just in part, to see who I was working for and with. It gave me some really good insight into not just the company, but my future with them. The trip back to the airport was more awkward silence coupled with fear of my own competency. I don't know why it's been so difficult to speak up and ask questions but there are so many. Maybe I just don't know how to ask. Maybe I am not prepared for the answers. Or maybe I need to give myself a little grace and try to understand that I'm right where I need to be for the moment and that everything will fall into place in time.
I am fairly intelligent. I know that in time, a lot of my feelings of anxiety will subside and I will become more comfortable in these shoes. I've been told to expect a lot of down time until we get things rolling. I've been told not to feel bad if I'm not super busy for these first few months. I've been afforded the ability to do most of what I'm currently doing, from home. It isn't for lack of understanding. And I've had to have some pretty thick skin over the years so I can hold my own. I have dealt with a lot of things most wouldn't have put up with or continued to do. Life has made me tough in a battle to the death kind of way. I'm fully prepared for battle and everything that comes with it. I may just cry while I'm committing murder. That's all. I can do hard things. And if I can't, you'll never know because I'll die trying.
I start my daily outlook with the Serenity Prayer. I end it with a grateful heart and the weight of countless blessings. Everything in between is just details. I'll get through this initial stage of this new life and be a better, happier, more knowledgeable human because of it. With any luck, I'm passing this on to my children so they are never, ever afraid to try something new and better themselves. They will learn to never stand still, but move forward with an open heart and mind. They will learn patience and resilience, confidence and the value of personal growth. Something I asked myself before I made the final decision to leave my old job was, 'What changes are you willing to make to better yourself and your family?' I know I made the right choice.
As I navigate through this life, this anxiety, and this new adventure I am sure of one thing. Change is inevitable. Without it, everything stays the same. I will continue to put my best foot forward and keep an open mind. Maybe I'll talk to my Dr. about how to better manage the anxiety part. But I will not give up no matter how scared, discouraged, defeated, or under utilized I feel. This is me, getting better.
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