Ready, set...change.

What is it about aging that makes you want to change everything, everywhere, as quickly as possible? 

Maybe you can relate.

I keep asking myself that as I reflect on this last year and beyond.  This world we live in, it's not what it used to be. It's not what I thought it would be.  It scary, unpredictable, unforgiving, demanding, controlling, and really difficult. I could use so many adjectives right now.  I have never felt so mentally unstable, uneducated, powerless, confused and numb as I have this past couple years.  The history books didn't prepare me for this.  I don't even know what is going on or how to feel from one moment to the next.  I don't know what to think about who or why it all started, much less about how or when it will all go away.  I'm just trying to live.  I'm trying to be a good mom and a reliable employee.  I'm trying to take care of my family and live to see another sunrise.  How am I supposed to smile through all of this nonsense? How am I supposed to teach my children how to be happy when there is so much negativity around us? It's so overwhelming to have to think about what is going on in the world when there are so many other things to manage in life.  I know I can't be alone in these thoughts.

Since the first mention of this crazy virus it's been so easy to feel like life is spiraling out of control.  The media hasn't helped, that's for sure.  I could research all damn day and still have a million questions as I stew in my clouds of confusion. So much heartache. So much sadness and fear.  Way too much information to sort through and very little patience and understanding has caused me to feel extremely exhausted. Everyone thinks they are a Dr. or scientist because the news or social media told them this or that.  Everyone is so judgmental and rude.  No one real cares about your well being, they only care if they are right or at least heard.  

I don't want to feel like this.  I don't want to get into the politics of it all and I'm not here to debate any of it.  I just want to be able to live my life. It's hard enough to get through a day with all the normal challenges we face like parenting, driving, working, budgeting, and trying to find 'me' time or 'fun' time. Now, on top of it all we're forced to deal with the abnormal and somehow maintain sanity? The older I get the more I want to figure out how to compartmentalize my life.  I've been doing much better trying to deal with the world as it relates to my life but man do I have a long way to go.  I supposed as long as it's our 'new normal', we'll all be 'trying'.

I woke up this morning and realized that I'm closer to 50 than I was yesterday, I've stayed at the same job almost 23 years because I'm too afraid to 'change', and I've been worried and complaining about my physical changes for over 20 years but have yet to make any real changes to help myself.  I've always considered myself a good human, a good mom and wife, and a good employee.  The weight of the world is on all of us, it seems.  And nothing is going to change if we all keep bearing that weight.  I know that no matter what I think or feel today, tomorrow is not promised. I don't know about you, but I'm ready for change!

I'm ready to work hard for some peace of mind, more smiles and happiness, hugs and kisses and tons of memories. I'm ready to retrain my brain. I'm not going to turn a blind eye to the current state of the world, but I am going to refocus because I can't move forward with all that weight.  I've always been one who tries to make everyone around me happy.  I haven't sacrificed a lot to do that because I'm truly happy helping others and making the ones I love happy.  However, it is time to rethink my kindness and my threshold for responsibilities.  It is not my responsibility to make others happy.  It's my goal and my hope, but not my responsibility.  It is not my responsibility to carry the weight of the world, I just need to learn how to say no. It is not my responsibility to tell another human being what they should do, think, or say, unless it's my 8 year old, impressionable son, who needs my guidance. It is not my responsibility to see that it all gets done, on time.  It is, however, my duty as a wife and mother to see that our needs are met, even if that means admitting that I can't do it alone. I will do my best to listen and educate myself and my family about the things that we are responsible for.  I will be a good listener for friends and family in need and I will do my best to support them in any way possible.  I will eat better, sleep more, re-prioritize the things I am responsible for and I will find more time to focus on myself.  After all, I can't find that much needed peace of mind if I'm not taking care of myself.  If you are close to me, please don't have me committed.  I promise, I'm ok.  I'm just ready for change. 

I'm not calling this a new years resolution.  I do intend to resolve some things though.  This is more of a new life resolution. And this is a good thing.  There will be a lot of honesty, strength and perseverance involved. I know I won't wake up tomorrow a different person.  This is going to take time. I'm shedding the old me and making way for something new. Time to get those spiral notebooks out and start making some lists.  Who's with me?