If you could change something about your life, just one thing, one decision, one day, what would it be?
That's kind of an unfair question. Like one of those social media posts that make you roll your eyes because let's be realistic. You can't change anything from your past. So why even waste time thinking about it? All it does is crush your hopes and dreams, make you resentful and give you a less than favorable outlook on the rest of your life. Or maybe that's just me. Apparently those types of posts bother me. Call me crazy but isn't that just a fantasy? We can't time travel. Well, yet.
I don't know for sure what I would change if I could but I think I can safely assume that if you know me personally, you might think my decision would have something to do with having my mother in my life. And if I'm honest, that's always the first thing that comes to mind when I see this question. I know my life would be completely different today if I hadn't lost my mother when I was just 8 years old. And that's a trauma I'll likely deal with for the rest of my existence. But there's a part of me that is really glad that I can preserve her goodness in my thoughts, knowing that she wasn't tainted by all the negativity in the world the last 37 years. She'll always be my angel and my heart knows that is the best place for her, until of course we reunite in the afterlife. There has to be something after this. Right?
Maybe I would make sure to get a college education? I don't dislike the career path I chose but it sure would have made my paycheck look nicer if I'd gone to school. I always had aspirations of delivering babies and helping mothers through their pregnancies. From a very young age the two things I would pretend to be the most were an obstetrician and a secretary. I suppose one of my dreams came true. And I know you're sitting there wondering how I pretended to be an obstetrician. All I can tell you is the way it made me feel to be around new born babies and pregnant women. I was like most females are at some point in their young, fertile lives, in love with the idea of having my own baby some day. I couldn't wait to be a mommy! But my passion was so much more than that. Maybe part of it stemmed from the hole in my heart from not having my own mother around. Psychology was also something I thought long and hard about. But I guess that's played a part in the last 22 years as well, working for criminal defense attorneys. I often 'mother' the clients without thought. The only excuse I have for not pursuing my baby dreams is that I became a mother, myself, at a very young age and felt I no longer had the time to put into that dream. But more than that, I allowed the trauma in my life up to that point to hold me back. I let it dictate where I was going and who I would be. There are so many things about my childhood that should've resulted in my failure. Don't get me wrong, there was sunshine. I was very loved by many people and even guarded by them in a lot of ways. I was the poor little girl that lost her momma and to some, I still am. I'm sure any psychologist would tell you, based on this paragraph alone that I need extensive therapy where this subject is concerned. I'm always going to wish I had chosen the path of delivering babies. But I don't exactly regret where I've been either. I've grown up in this office. I've discovered things about myself in my journey here, like how to not take things too personally, how to see through someone's bologna, and how to smile when my insides are on fire. I've learned that every once in a while, a white lie is ok. I've learned patience really is a virtue. And it's also the devil's work. I've learned empathy on a whole new scale. I've learned brand new forms of heartache. And I've learned that I am not just the woman on the other end of the line. I'm also the central nervous system and the 'push here in case of emergency'. My pride hangs a little less on my sleeve these days and a little more in the back of my throat. But it's still there, somewhere, most days.
Occasionally, when I am pondering the what-if's, I wonder what my life would look like today if I had been less shy growing up. I went to school all over the city and my high school was very diverse, to say the least. I actually didn't hate high school. I did spend a lot of days communicating my feelings on paper instead of face to face with actual humans. What can I say? The paper couldn't argue with me. I wrote poetry, letters to friends, diary confessions, suicide notes. Yeah, that was a crazy couple years, high school. Why is it that our fragile, teenage minds can't handle reality in the slightest? We make mountains out of mole hills. Looking back, there were a lot of mountains too but man, I probably could've handled those a LOT better if I'd known how to. I think moving around a lot made it difficult to make friends I could trust. I was terribly afraid of judgment too. Most of my peers in high school grew up together. They knew each others families and pet names. I felt like such an outsider, and that says a lot. Around my family and people I called friends I was a social butterfly! I was sarcastic, funny, happy (on the outside) and I loved with everything I was made of. I still do. That's kind of my super power. But I'm still shy in so many ways. I have a hard time looking people in the eyes when I'm talking to them and can't remember names to save my life. I remember faces pretty well but always struggle with their names. I remember phone numbers and bank account numbers like crazy, but that is likely a result of my job the last 22 years. If I had more confidence and could look people in the eyes, I feel like I could run my own billion dollar company. And everyone would love me. And I could truly live out my happily ever after. But instead I am the turtle in the shell who wears her heart on her sleeve and bends over backward to make sure every one she loves and cares about is happy, at all costs. Wake up, girl.
So aside from wanting more time with my mother, lacking a college education, still wanting to deliver babies and possibly finding more confidence, what else could I possibly want to change about my life, if given a chance? It seems I've thought about this a lot in my almost 46 years, which to some might suggest I'm unhappy, somehow. I'm actually very happy in this life. If I'm honest, I put myself through a lot of hell to get to a place in my life where I could honestly say I was happy. While some of the unfortunate events in my life were out of my control, most of them were a direct result of me, myself and I. The dream is that my life could've been different somewhere along my path and my today could look better. The reality is that I'm exactly where I need to be in life and it's because of the path I've followed. I don't want to change anything about my past. But I do want to make my future brighter. I've always fallen back on the idea that I'm happiest when the people around me are happy. While that's true, in no way am I responsible for someone else's happiness. I can't make someone happy. That's their job. I'm swear I am going to look at myself in a mirror every single day and repeat that out loud, for the rest of my life.
Final answer? Direction. That's what I'm going to change. Because I have that opportunity, right now, today. I am going to change my direction. I'll still wear my heart on my sleeve because I'm a big ol lover of all things. I love chick flicks and songs that bring back memories, good and bad. I hate to see people hurt and I want everyone and everything to feel loved. I still have time to further my education so that option remains. I will always dream of helping mommas through pregnancies and bringing babies into this world. That passion runs deep and it's a love I know I'll never lose, even if I never pursue a license to do so. I will always have days when my confidence is lacking for one reason or another but I will not let it stop me from making tough decisions. I know who I am and what I'm capable of. I know where I come from. And as for having my mother by my side all these years, she's been there all along. I am my mother's daughter. I have her blood running through my own giant heart. I may lack memories but there's no denying her spirit is alive and well, right here in her daughter. HER daughter. That's who I am.
I don't want to change who I am. Just where I'm going.
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