Survival of the crying, whining, fit

Sometimes our lives don’t play out the way we’d like them to. Sometimes you look back and realize it may not have happened the way you would have liked but somehow, you survived. And sometimes, you thank God it didn’t happen the way you wanted it to. That’s life.

We are our own worst critics. Isn’t that what they say? It’s true. No one will ever be harder on me, than me. My perspective of ‘me’ will almost always be different than every other person I encounter. Lately, I’ve been pretty hard on myself.  I know that I have an amazing life. I am surrounded by amazing people. I have a job. I have a home. I have a car. I have amazing, happy, healthy children and grand children and a super stud husband who loves me way more than I deserve. I’m blessed, no doubt! What I’m having a hard time with is why, if I’ve got all these super amazing people and things in my life…why do I feel so inadequate lately? Why do I feel like I can’t do enough? Why do my feelings get hurt so easily over the most mundane things? I keep finding myself feeling guilty for things that are completely out of my control. Some guy whizzes past me on the road and I question what I was doing to make him think that was ok. Tanner had an accident this morning just before we walked out the door and in my head I’m beating myself up for not asking him one last time if he had to go (and I asked him several times!)….which spirals into me kicking myself for not having tried harder to have him completely potty trained already. My house is far from tidy and as I sat on the couch for 10 minutes before bed last night to unwind and detoxify my brain I started to tear up.  Once again I was beating myself up for sitting down when I could have been doing 15 other things around the house. (Or is that just your typical woman?) I was thinking about all the things that plagued my mind the entire day and caused me to have an absolutely terrible day. Every single bothersome thought was compounded with guilt and regret and I have no idea why. All the obvious thoughts came to me this morning as I was getting ready for work. Like, ‘I’m blowing things way out of proportion’. ‘I have so much to be grateful for, these things are small and inconsequential’. ‘No one meant to hurt my feelings, I’m just an emotional train wreck.’ ‘I DO deserve to have all these blessings in my life.’ ‘It’s not as bad as it seems.’ ‘They didn’t mean it.’ ‘I am valued and appreciated, in EVERY aspect of my life.’ ‘I’m a good person…a good mom…a good wife…a good employee…a good sister…a good friend…’ ‘I’ll get over this slump.’ ‘It’s going to be ok.’ And then Tanner peed his pants.

I felt like a child, crying into my pillow as I tried to tell my husband last night how I was feeling. It all made sense in my head, sort of…but when it came out of my mouth…I felt like an idiot. I felt like my husband probably thought I was an idiot…or a crazy person. I’m sure he’s felt that way more than once over the last 20 years though. He’s crazy too, you know. That’s part of why it’s so easy for him to love me. He knows I have to put up with him too. I was feeling like I needed his love, his hugs, his undivided attention and for him to make me his number one priority for just a few minutes. I wasn’t mad at him for looking at the t.v. instead of into my wet eyeballs. I wasn’t mad when he picked up his iPad to check on his war that was taking place in Clash of Clans. I wasn’t even mad when he started laughing and playing with Tanner as tears were streaming down my face. My feelings were hurt. And there’s a difference. Maybe it’s the position of the moon. Maybe some mean people would say I’m just feeling the effects of early menopause. Maybe I have deep seeded issues from my past that I’ve never properly dealt with. Or maybe, I’m too nice of a person to actually say what is bothering me because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings (the way mine have been hurt), be rude, be selfish or point fingers, create discomfort or come across as whiny. Wait, am I coming across as whiny? Sigh….He’s such an amazing guy, really. He didn't even know I was crying. I could see in his face that he was concerned and unsure of what to say to me. I was really hoping he wasn’t thinking up ways to put me out of my misery. He listened. Despite all the ‘distractions’, he really listened. Unlike me, he thought about what I was saying before he responded and as usual, said exactly what I needed to hear. He’s so good at that. I really need to be more like him that way. I can’t even have a conversation on the phone while someone else in the room is talking or my anxiety hits the roof. Good, Golly, Gosh…as my grandma would say all the time. I need to relax!

I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a wife. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am a niece, a cousin, an aunt, a neighbor, a co-worker, an employee and a nut. I am me. I have lived through a lot of good times and a lot of bad and every single experience has shaped me into this person I’ve become. I’m okay with that part. Despite all the crazy in my life I’ve learned a lot of lessons and figured out a lot things about myself. I’m not perfect, unfortunately.  But I’m good…really, really good.  I have a huge heart. I love to a fault. My kids and my husband love me so I know I’m doing something right.  Now if I could just find a way to balance things a little better in my life and not let life kick my tail section so much…I’d be fabulous.

Life can get really overwhelming if you let it. I let it…frequently! I’ve come to realize that just because I get overwhelmed doesn’t necessarily mean I’m doing something wrong. I’ll work on the whole ‘feeling sorry for myself’ thing. And I’ll be sure to spend more time thanking people who have put up with me.  I’ll also work on standing up for myself and being true to myself.  There are things in this life that we have to do but it doesn’t mean we have to like doing it. I sometimes wish I could just work 3 days a week…or just 6 hours a day so I could spend more time with my children, have more time to take care of my home, have more time to run personal errands during business hours, and save some money on childcare. This life we’ve created will not allow me to do that (thank you politicians, economy and universe). I’m sure I’d find a way to supplement the income but first I’d have to find someone that would employ me on that particular schedule.  With my skill set…I’ll either be underpaid or over qualified. I like what I do…and it would really be ideal to be able to do it from home, but also impossible. I sell Avon…but I don’t make a profit. Unless I did nothing but sell Avon, I wouldn’t make much of a profit anyway. And I don’t want to make a career out of that. I just like Avon! I love to paint although my style is more ‘kindergarten’ than Picasso. I love all sorts of arts and crafts and love it even more because it’s a hobby and not a job! One of these days I’ll come up with some genius idea for multiple streams of income. Until then, I’ll have a messy house, unkempt yard, not so clean car, 8 loads of dirty laundry, dishes in my sink, an empty savings account, not enough coffee and a Ninja Turtle folding table in my living room 24 hours a day. And I’ll thank God for all of it every single night.