I don’t really want to remember being a teenager. I believe I was confused for roughly 6 years straight. Then reality set in rather quickly. Before I could laugh it all off I was a mother and had to be responsible and cautious. Now I have a teenager and can’t quite remember much worth laughing at from those years.
My father would frequently remind me how hard life was going to be when I was ‘grown’. He didn’t want me to have to work with my hands or do any sort of hard labor to survive. He wanted me to go to college, get a good paying, easy job. He wanted me to be happy and he didn’t want me to struggle, financially. Well, you know the old saying, “Do as I say, not as I do”. He made me hate him sometimes for drilling into my head how hard life would be once I was out on my own. I didn’t want to grow up. But I certainly wasn’t living there for the rest of my life either!!
I had quite a few teenage moments. I had friends. I had fun. But there was always that lingering fear of my future. I was confused, clueless, helpless. I felt like I was so alone in my head. I had so many questions. I just didn’t understand. Why was everything so hard? Why couldn’t I just be smart enough to know what to do next? I didn’t know who to talk to or what to say even if someone tried to be there for me. I felt so stupid. A lot! I was scared to death, to be honest. I had no idea what life had in store for me or what was going to happen from one second to the next. The one thing that was abundantly clear to me is that whatever I did with my life I was going to have to figure it out on my own. No one was going to hold my hand and make my decisions for me. No one was going to have all the answers. And no one was going to feel sorry for me if I failed.
I didn’t know then and still don’t know now whether or not I was an average teenager. I sure didn’t feel like it. I guess all teenagers feel alone like that at some point. They feel helpless, stupid, and confused, just as I did. They act out to get attention. They are obnoxious and rude. They are selfish and unaware. They are impatient, know-it-all, conniving, jealous, lying, story-telling, sensitive, self-loathing, narcissistic…children, who one day will be raising their own teenagers. No matter what I can or cannot remember from those not-so-fabulous years of my life, I’ll never understand teenagers. The harder I try, the older I feel. Or maybe, I understand all too well.
I realize that those are the formative years. They make mistakes and it’s our job to help them learn from those mistakes, even if we still haven’t learned from our own. We’re supposed to be there to guide them and love them and comfort them….but how? It seems like everything I do or say just makes everything worse. I stand my ground and be the tough guy when I need to be and I let down my guard and admit that I’m not perfect when I feel like they need to see that. I give advice in a take-it-or-leave-it fashion and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I set rules but I allow them to be broken every so often. I spoil, but I teach morals and value. I try to lead by example but admit when I make mistakes. There is no book in the world that can make this job easier. There are no guidelines. Every child is different and so is every parent. The bottom line is we all want what is best for our children, from their birth until our death. It doesn’t end just because they reach a certain age. We don’t stop caring about them. We don’t stop parenting, ever. In fact, sometimes we are learning more than they are.
I don’t claim to be perfect in any way. In fact, I’m quite aware of all of my flaws. I’m not proud of all of them though I wouldn’t change anything if given a chance. I love my children. I want what is best for them. I want them to understand the power they possess in their minds and in their hearts. They can do anything, be anyone and go anywhere. They just have to want it bad enough. If they dwell on every little mistake, every little speed bump in the road they will miss the most important things in life. I don’t want them to rush. They have an entire life ahead of them. There will always be time for love and laughter, fun and games. What do I have to do to teach them that? What can I say that I haven’t already said? What can I do that I haven’t already done? How do I let them be themselves but guard them from the evils of the world? I don’t want to smother but I don’t know how to just observe. At this point in my life, I don’t know if it’s more frightening to raise a teenager, or be a teenager.
Whatever path my children choose, I know that I am the best mother I can be. The only mother I now how to be. All things considered I don’t think I’m doing a terrible job. But I do wish I didn’t feel so helpless when it comes to making them happy and helping them make good decisions. I can’t make them happy, truly. Only they can do that. I hope that one day they can look back and be proud, of me as their mother, and of themselves. I don’t want them to have regrets. I just want them to live. Life is so precious. You don’t get another try. So in the words of Jack Dawson, “Here’s to making it count”. Actually, I think Rose says that. Nevertheless…we should all make each day count. You never know when will be your last tomorrow.
To my children, if you’re reading this…don’t wait to start living your life. Life waits for no one. No one will ever live your life for you. Every decision you make will determine your future and your past. Open your eyes, your mind and your heart. Strive for the best. Go after your dreams. Never say never. Never accept anything that doesn’t make you happy. Try and try again until you achieve your goals no matter how big or small. Don’t change your path or lose interest because you come to a bump in the road or even a wall. Just climb over it and keep on trucking. Have faith in yourself. Be proud of yourself. Smile and enjoy the gift that has been given to you. And never, ever look back. I love you.
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