Time

That word.  Wow.  Time is necessary.  Time is unfair.  Time is treasured.  Time is cursed.  How many times have you said, “If I could just rewind time”?  And how many times have you wanted or needed just 5 more minutes?  There are so many catch phrases associated with time.  Time flies.  Tell me you don’t feel that.  I swear I was 15 like last week! Time’s-a-wastin’.  That’s pretty accurate.  As a species, we waste as much time as we do money and brain power.  We’re a bunch of idiots, really. We evolve slower than trees, mentally so what do we expect out of time? In another 2 million years, we’ll be better at a lot of things, especially time and money management. Ok, so I’m hopeful.  Time’s up. That’s one we don’t like to hear in any scenario. How could it ever feel good to know you are out of time?  All in good time. That usually means you’re waiting for something.  I guess it could be good or bad.  I don’t like it, myself.  Time and time again. Now here’s another one that is usually used in reference to something bad.  Once upon a time. I like this one.  Fairy Tales always start with those four little words. When I write my biography, that’s how it will start.  Who doesn’t smile when they hear that?  Time is on our side.  Maybe there is something to be said about living life to the fullest that would have you appreciate this phrase.  As a human race we are fortunate to be able to live as long as we do, experience the love and happiness that we do and share it with the ones we love.  I’m going to hold on to that positive thought for a moment. The one I really have a hard time with is Time heals.  I have to disagree.  26 years ago I lost my mother.  I guess you could say that in some ways it gets a little easier.  For me, it’s only that I now understand things I didn’t understand at 8 years old.  But time doesn’t make it any easier to not have my mother in my life.  Time has taught me a lot of things.  I am more fearful of things that I would’ve laughed at before I became a mother.  I assume that will get much worse as time goes by.  As a child I would run around with no shoes on, climbing to the tippy tops of trees and jumping out of my bedroom window for fun.  Today, I am afraid of people touching my feet, I no longer ride the carnival rides and I’m deathly afraid of spiders.  Time has definitely played a part in that.  Over time I have seen and heard things that no child should have to endure.  I’ve watched people very close to me destroy their lives all while my hands were tied firmly behind me and my voice stifled. All I could do over this long period of time was watch as life deteriorated right in front of me. The one positive thing that came out of that situation is that I somehow learned from the mistakes that the people around me were making.  I didn’t take that path because I knew where it led and it was no place good.  In 26 years I’ve learned things unknowingly from the people I surround myself with.  I learned that I’m a lot like my mother despite the fact that I can’t remember her.  363 days a year I question whether I’m as good of a mother as she was.  I wonder what it would be like to have her here.  To say the least, I miss her, every day.  One particular day of the year I’m angry and bitter about the fact that she was taken from me.  I was an 8 year old child left without a mother and someone has to be to blame for that.  Right? Then, there’s her birthday, the one day every year that I can just smile and be happy.  It’s her day.  Though she’s not here to celebrate it, it gives me comfort knowing how happy she would be on that day if she were here.  February this year that day took on a whole new meaning.  I lost my father.  Instead of being happy and remembering all the good things about my mother I know have to remember losing my father.  Life is unfair sometimes.  Time is not nice.  I hope that one day I can put a little more faith in the phrase Time heals.   But for now I’ll just put it on a shelf and save it for later.  Reflecting on what I’ve written here I feel as if time has turned me into a pessimist.  I’m grateful for a lot of things in my life.  I think about those things on a daily basis.  It’s just hard to ignore the things that hurt the most.  One day, in time, maybe it won’t hurt quite so bad. One day I’ll be able to let go of the hurt and be more productive.  To end on a positive note I’ll say this.  It is definitely TIME for change.