I'm human. I'm imperfect. I'm flawed, even. I make mistakes just like you and everyone else on the face of the planet. What I want today is inevitably what I'll complain about tomorrow. I don't always do the right thing and often, I know what I'm doing isn't right. I scratch the itch. I suffer the consequences. I wish upon stars and I dream bigger than life. I try, and I fail.
But sometimes....I'm superhuman! I amaze myself and if I'm lucky, someone else too! I've been known to get all the answers right a time or two. I actually get what I want from time to time. I've walked away from temptation and been glad I've done it. I've won money from a scratch off ticket and I've accomplished more than I thought I would at a mighty young age, if I do say so, myself. I've set goals and actually achieved them, believe it or not. I've worked hard and reaped the benefits. I've created life. I've survived loss, in many forms, many times. I've fallen...and I've gotten up! I am amazing.
From day to day my personality is either one extreme or the other. It's almost never in between. I'm always worried. But some days, my ability to climb out of the hole and believe that it'll get better is easier than others. Today, I'm feeling quite positive that tomorrow will in deed be a better day. I wrote a letter to my husband, sharing my thoughts on this. Hopefully he doesn't try to have me committed. I truly believe that as this bump in the road passes, we'll look back and realize it wasn't as bad as we thought it was. But at least we're making decisions to make sure it doesn't happen again.
B,
My mind is going in a million directions this morning so I thought it best to put it to paper. You’re not in trouble. Don’t worry. It’s nothing devastating. It’s not doom and gloom. And I do love you, more than life, itself.
10 years ago…give or take a few days… you told me something that made me realize something about myself. Something about me that I didn’t really understand until you said it. You said you loved that I was always able to see the bigger picture. I always said I was not the sort of person that liked to look too far into the future because I didn’t want to disappoint myself. I wanted to live for the moment. Deal with today and tomorrow would come soon enough. I didn’t want to get these grand ideas of how I wanted my future to be only to find out that I wasted my time, I guess. I don’t know how to explain it. That’s who I THOUGHT I was. And then you came along. I realized that I DO look into the future, a lot. I try to see things as a whole and not just ‘for the moment’. What has us upset is not what happened today or yesterday but what happens every day, and has been happening all our lives. The only thing that really matters is what happens today and every day after.
I don’t need to reiterate how difficult my upbringing was. You’ve heard it enough. I don’t need to repeat story after story trying to convince you of anything because frankly, I think you know me better than I do already. Yes, we grew up differently. Enough said. But generally speaking, no matter how we were brought up, we’re individuals. We are who we are. And we’ll be who we want to be. “Want” being the operative word. We can talk until we’re blue in the face about what we want out of life. We can complain about our mistakes. We can dwell on missed opportunities. We can blame our parents. We can put ourselves down. We can hate where we live. We can wake up tomorrow and the day after and stick to this routine for the rest of our lives. Or…we can make changes. We can change the path we’re on and get exactly what we want out of this life. We can set goals that we can actually reach. Honestly, I think we should sit down, with pen and paper, and write down some goals. Gabe graduates in 2019. That gives us 8 years to make some serious changes. It would take ½ that, or less to go back to school. We should decide what we want to study. We should figure out where we can make some sacrifices for time and even money. We should move forward for a change. In a few years we would have degrees of some sort and help finding a job in that field. In a few years we’d catch up on some debts like the house (get rid of that negative equity so we can sell easier) and the truck (maybe get the monthly payments down to something easier to manage. We could maybe put some in savings or even find some way to invest and profit. We could get in a more comfortable place, financially so that when the kids are gone and it’s just you and I….we can live comfortably and know that we made good decisions.
We’re so young. I know you don’t feel the same way I do about that particular subject, but really, we are. We have so much life left to live. If we start today, make better choices, set a better example, be more flexible with our time and our thoughts, challenge ourselves, and support each other, we could do marvelous things!!! We are never going to wake up to a new life at the pace we’re currently at. We are not going to win the lottery or inherit some fortune. We are not going to be ‘lucky bastards’. People that think that they’re actually going to win the lottery some day, never do. We are going to earn what we get and be proud. We are going to set shining examples for our kids. We are going to test our own will, push ourselves to the limit and probably shed a few tears. But in 2019, we’ll be so glad we did it. It’s really not that far away. It’s already been almost 12 years since I touched you for the very first time. It’s been 10 years since you asked me to marry you and 8 years since the day we tied the knot. It’s been 6 years since we bought our first home. And it’s been 6 years since our little baby started school. It’s already been 15 months since we got Max! Time flies. It may not seem that way in the beginning but we’ll reap the benefits in no time. I’m ready to make a difference. I think you are too. Let’s do this. I am scared to death at the idea of starting something new, getting further into debt, failing, taking a pay cut, losing the house, not being able to afford the essentials like food, housing, car repairs…..but the only way to eliminate that fear is to change the path we’re on. Otherwise, it’s going to be the same thing, day in and day out until we drive ourselves into the ground. I’m not willing to do that, at this point. I want better. I want relief. I want less stress and more laughter. I want to be able to party, have nice things, go to awesome places, take vacations, love my home inside and out, drive a nicer car, wear nicer clothes, and just be happier, in general. I know I’m not going to wake up tomorrow a different person. But I’ll be the same person with a different outlook on life, for sure.
Either we both go back to school or one of us goes back to school and once that person has finished and gotten a secure job, the other one can follow suit. Either way, we aren’t going to get anywhere but where we are if we don’t make any changes.
I know that none of this is new to you. I know you think about it all, constantly. I know you have the same fears and dreams, and then some. It all sounds good….and it’s motivating. But it’s up to us to do something now. It’s not going to happen over night. It’s not going to happen at all if we don’t do something now, while we still can. I love you and I’ll love you regardless of where we live, where we work, what we wear, what kind of toys we do or don’t have, who are friends are, how much we struggle, how little or how much we own or where we end up 20 years from now. The only thing that matters is that 20 years from now, we’re still us. I just think that we have so much potential to make our lives bigger, better and happier than it is.
I love you forever.
Samantha
I wholeheartedly believe that what we do today will directly affect what we can do tomorrow. Whatever happens, I'm sure this won't be the last motivational speech. With any luck, it'll light a fire ...or two. My motivation for being motivational? If one more person calls my office and accuses me of not doing my job, I'm going back to school to be a ninja and I'm going to kick them square in their face.
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